League Articles

"Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so high," coughed Williams, attempting to speak while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "They just told me the news. Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Damn, I'm so busted." Williams then began laughing uncontrollably.

Williams has been reinstated in the NFL following an 18-month ban for smoking pot, a retirement, a spiritual journey to India and Australia, and a season in the CFL (not necessarily in that order). I'm not sure if he ever got that holistic medicine education in Colorado or not, but he definitely considered it.

Right now, Williams is property of the Miami Dolphins and there is no word what they will do with him. They can't trade him this late in the season, and who knows if he's even in good shape. The league said he can begin attending team meetings and practicing immediately, but will not be able to play in a game until Miami, currently winless, plays at Pittsburgh on Monday night, Nov. 26.

Well, it was another insane Sunday in the NFL. The Colts have just lost two games in a row and I'm downright giddy this morning. I also just noticed that currently, the Top 5 PFL Most Valuable Player candidates are all quarterbacks. And guess who is not on the list? Thats right. Ole' Pastyface threw 6 interceptions. Manning looked like Maverick after Goose died. Watching him at his worst was a little slice of heaven, and almost as good watching Adam Vinatieri shank a 29 yard chip-shot. Since Brady had his bye week, and will obviously be our league MVP, let's move on...

Ranked 2nd overall, Tony Romo has racked up 216 fantasy points. A mere 60 points less than Brady. He once again lit it up throwing 4 TDs. I can't wait for the Cowboys vs. Packers in week 13.

Roethlisberger is #3 and has 22 TDs and seven picks, despite having a mediocre offensive line that makes him run for his life. Not bad for a retard.

Derek Anderson is 4th overall, and deserves a mention for his second-half shitfest that helped the Steelers get back into the game. But I gotta say, the Brown's are good. I like the Browns. Any team that doesn't even have a logo and can almost beat the Steelers are worth cheering for.

And #5, Brett Favre, has now officially replaced Roger Clemens as the nation's #1 sports folk hero. Although, the Green Bay Packers are officially evil for hurting our Purple Savior. I hope I didn't curse Adrian with my article about him.

Up until this week, I've been predicting a Cowboys/Patriots Super Bowl. Man, had Parcell's not retired, that would have been the greatest story ever -- Parcells vs. Belichick. But after watching the Packers dismantle the Vikings, I am going to now make my official Super Bowl prediction: Its going to be Packers vs. Patriots just like in 1996, except this time the Patriots will win 35–21.

By they way, I started reading Rich Eisen's new book this weekend, which isn't the greatest -- but its a pretty good look inside today's NFL and definitley worth reading.

But Peterson has it all. He possesses every tool a running back could possibly need: The field vision, the extra gear, the moves to effortlessly slide in and out of tackles and make people miss in tight spaces, and the speed and power to make it look easy. The result is not the flashiness of LT or Barry Sanders, but a jaw-dropping war machine dedicated solely to moving the ball forward.

I’ll say it, the Purple Jesus might be the most talented running back of all time.

He may not raise the dead or turn water into wine, but this guy is fuckin supernatural and I just had to give him some love.

The Patriots rallied in the 4th quarter to beat the Colts in a close game, despite the Colts pumping in artificial crowd noise into the RCA Dome.

Antonio Cromartie returned a missed field goal 109 yards for a touchdown to set an NFL record for longest return of any kind, though the Vikings shocked the Chargers 35-17 behind Adrian Peterson's record-setting 296 rushing yards and three touchdowns.

The Lions beat-down on the Broncos, inexplicably cruising to a 44-7 home victory.

San Francisco turned the ball over four times en route to losing to Joey Heisman.

Arizona's total time of possession was 16 minutes and 53 seconds. Yes, out of 60 minutes. How the fuck the Bucs only scored 17 is a mystery.

The Rams had their best game of the season because it was their bye-week.

And finally, your immensely talented commissioner's artwork was featured on the two best sports blogs in the universe: Here and also, here.

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, the Rebels prepare for the imminent attack on their home world. Meanwhile, the Empire's hatred grows stronger each day as they conspire to destroy their enemy.

The Rebels soon realize their winning streak is coming to an end, because the Death March has no mercy and will stop at nothing to restore order to the galaxy...

Starring:

Peyton Manning as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Tom Brady as Anakin Skywalker/Lord Vader
Tony Dungy as Yoda
Bill Belichick as The Emperor
Marvin Harrison as Lando Calrissian
Dallas Clark as Han Solo
Randy Moss as Darth Maul
Dwight Freeney as Chewbacca
Laurence Maroney as Greedo
Rodney Harrison as Boba Fett
Jeff Saturday as Porkins
Gisele Bündchen as Padmé
Bob Kraft as President Skroob
Rich Eisen as Jar-Jar Binks
and
John Madden as Jabba The Hut

Dark Helmet Calls Tactics "Bush League"

"I said something to him when it was over," Helmet said. "I told him, 'You need to show some respect for the game.' You just don't do that. I don't care how bad it is. You're up 43 points and you're still throwing deep? That's no respect."

Asked about the decision to continue beating the living shit out of Ludicrous Speed when the game was clearly won, the Terrible Twos told a reporter, "It's like I tell the offense, what the fuck do you think I send you guys out there for? To punt? We have a punt team for that. "

Massive Trade Forthcoming Between New York and Los Angeles

A blockbuster trade is said to be nearing completion between Los Angeles and New York. Los Angeles would reportedly send Kobe Bryant, Steven Spielberg, Manhattan Beach, the Anaheim Angels, and Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to New York City, in exchange for Alex Rodriguez, Joe Torre, Woody Allen, Donald Trump, and the neighborhoods of Soho & Tribeca.

I have never been so pissed off by the media in my life. Everyone who is calling out the Patriots for "running up the score" and "not respecting the game" should be embarrassed. These are the people who are not respecting the game.

There is no mercy rule in pro football. The reason coaches don't run up the score in high school football is because humiliating a team full of teenagers is wrong -- not because beating the crap out of a team is wrong. These are professional football players. A professional football player's job is to execute their gameplan. You NEVER deviate from executing your gameplan until the last whistle.

People think the Patriots should “show mercy”? Do they realize how stupid that sounds?? In what sport do you ever stop trying. That’s not sportsmanship. They should be ashamed to call themselves football fans if they expect any player, coach or team to not go 100% on every down.

This is a professional endeavor. Does Goldman Sachs complain that their competitors are running up the market? Does Apple complain that Bill Gates sells too many computers? Did anyone tell Vince Lombardi to stop running the Packer Sweep when they were up by 30 points? FUCK NO.

So don't complain that Brady throws the ball deep when they're up by 30. Personally, I'd rather him throw deep then have their only healthy RBs get hurt -- but, besides that -- it’s Brady's job to read a defense and make the best play available to him. Not to worry about hurting the other team's feelings.

Don't complain that the Patriots go for it on 4th down. How many times do you hear fans complaining when teams DON'T go for it on 4th down? And you don't punt the ball because you want to lay up. You punt if you need to worry about field position. Theoretically, not punting the ball gives the other team a BETTER chance.

And don’t complain that they leave in their starters in the 4th quarter. This isn't week 17. And the last touchdown was scored by backup QB Matt Cassel, who took the ball and ran it in himself. Should he not play hard because of the scoreboard? The Redskins are a pro football team. If they can't stop the backup QB from running in a touchdown -- then guess what, 6 more points.

Its complainers like this that ruin the world. You wonder why athletes take steroids? Because people complain that they are not good enough. You wonder why they don't make movies like Revenge of the Nerds any more? Because someone complained about the limp wristed javelin.

Based on 2007 stats, the chance of the average NFL team scoring a touchdown when they have possession is 13%. The chance of the Indianapolis Colts scoring a touchdown is 16%. The chance of the New England Patriots scoring a touchdown is 78.5%.

The Patriots are playing flawless football. That’s what we all want from our favorite teams, isn't it? That’s what we expect. Don't disrespect the game by asking them to play at a lower level then they are capable.

This is football. Take it on the chin. If you don't like it, then do something about it.

See, there's an unspoken rule between us and the rest of the world: we let them have soccer, they let us have football. But then the English decided to break the rule. They sent us David Beckham. Did they really think they could go and foist all that gayness upon us and not expect some payback? Some sort of all-american shock and awe retaliatory strike on our end was required.

So guess what, you bloody English cunts. Go hide your daughters, because Joey Porter is heading your way. I heard he is going to be escorted in a straight jacket and Hannibal Lecter mask too. It's time to put the steering wheel back where it belongs, stop listening to Travis and calling cigarettes fags, because you really don't want to piss this guy off.

Fantasy Players Who English People Will Think Are Really Ace:

• Eli Manning (QB) – The whitest man on the planet
• Jeremy Shockey (TE) – Another white man
• Lawrence Tynes (PK) – He actually kicks the football
• Jay Feely (PK) – And anyone else who kicks or punts

Things About The NFL That English People Will Not Think Are Shite:

• The Manning family. Like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
• Excuse to drink pints of Bass on Sunday
• Halftime allows for quick trip for cold meat pies
• Opportunity to see heterosexual black men

Official Injury Report:

• Ronnie Brown (knee)
• Ronnie Brown owners (exhaust fumes)
• Jay Cutler (hair)
• Tarvaris Jackson (who cares)
• Sage Rosenfels (parsley & thyme)

Over 250,000 people have been evacuated and that 3/4 of San Diego is being evacuated. Qualcomm Stadium, which is where the Chargers player their home games, is currently serving as an evacuation center.

If the Chargers can't get back home by this weekend, they'll be playing in Sun Devil Stadium on Sunday.

In Other News:

Following In The Tradition Of The NFL's Greatest Receivers, Brandon Marshall Arrested

The Denver Broncos had every reason to celebrate Sunday night. They beat a good Pittsburgh Steelers team at home to return to .500 and snap a three-game losing streak and they did so with their most impressive offensive performance of the season. Although it appears Brandon Marshall celebrated a bit too much. Marshall was arrested early Monday morning for DUI.

Goodell Tells Falcons To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing

Following another devastating loss Sunday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told the 1-6 Atlanta Falcons to take time during their upcoming bye week to reflect on their season thus far and ask themselves if playing professional football is what they really want to be doing with their lives. "I'm not trying to push them in any particular direction," Goodell told reporters after the game, which the Falcons lost despite playing one of the league's worst teams, the New Orleans Saints, and lost their starting backup backup's backup QB, Bryon Leftwich.

Is there any thing that Brady can't heave wildly into the horizon that Moss can't go up and get? The Brady-Moss connection has now evolved from a formidable offensive stratagem to a free-wheeling, barnstorming daredevil circus act. Next week, I fully expect to see a blindfolded Brady chucking passes two at a time across a minefield while a straight-jacketed Moss catches them nonchalantly with his feet as Stars and Stripes Forever blares in the background. Or Brady winging exploding pineapples instead of footballs. At this point, I'm willing to believe anything.

"Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so high," coughed Williams, attempting to address reporters while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Damn, I hope they didn't notice when I got resin all over the application and then got it stuck to my forehead. I'm so busted." Williams then began laughing uncontrollably.

Williams said he might go back and ask if he could re-reapply, as he was fairly certain he had repeatedly written the word "Why?" in the section marked "for office use only."

Green Announces Sustained Moaning Noises

Green addressed questions about his health after suffering a grade-three concussion when Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson's knee collided with the side of his head as he attempted to cut-block the 315-pound player. "Uhhhhhhhh dduuuuuh eeerrr a uuggggg duh uhh uuuuuuuhhhhhh, uuhhhhhhhh."

While doctors said Green was far from ready to return to the playing field, drive a car, or dress himself, they did feel that in three to six weeks, he would have recovered sufficiently to retire from football under his own power.

Testaverde Addresses Media From Deathbed

The Panthers’ opponents, the Arizona Cardinals, honored Mr. Testaverde by respectfully leaving his receivers completely uncovered for the majority of the game, allowing the Panthers to rack up a ceremonial 25-10 victory which the NFL, to further honor Testaverde, says they will count as an actual regular season victory.

Testaverde, who won the Heisman Trophy at William & Mary in 1937, echoed Fox’s positive sentiments.

“Any time people see me on the field or just hear my name mentioned, they break out laughing,” Testaverde said. “I imagine it’s because they’re so inspired by my defiance of old age, they just can’t help but laugh along with me.”

Since Testaverde’s historic feat, the Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, and Atlanta Falcons have reportedly been in contact with ex-NFL Quarterbacks Mark Rypien, Steve De Berg, and Fran Tarkenton.

Romosexuality no match for Blue Steel

I have to laugh. The Patriots could beat an NFC All-Star team. Scary. Plus we're no longer cheating. And scarier yet, our #1 player on defense is getting off the PUP. In case you missed the game, here's a recap.

I gotta say, right now what Brady has accomplished - Stetson Cologne Ads aside - makes him one of the 10 best QBs in NFL history and a lock for the Hall of Fame. Did you see Romo kneeling in His presence? Now the Dolphins will get their opportunity to show Him, and the Patriots, the proper respect.

Sincerely,

Randy Moss

PS. The "real 81" can die in a fire.

“I don’t need – or want – something as big as Katrina,” said Payton. “But some destruction would be nice. Something the players and fans can rally around.”

Payton also admits he has spent just as much time in the last few weeks watching the Weather Channel as he has game-planning and coaching – a fact he believes may be contributing to the team’s poor play.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Belichick Ices His Own Kicker Just For The Hell Of It

With Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski standing over a meaningless extra point attempt with New England leading Cleveland 33-17 on Sunday, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick called timeout to ice his young kicker.

“All of our games have been blowouts so far,” said Belichick, “so I haven’t been able to try this new fad of calling timeout right before an opposing kicker attempts a field goal. So I decided to try it out on Stephen.”

Belichick then proceded to rattle his kicker even more as he waited to make his second attempt. “Hey, Stephen – a retard could make an extra point,” he yelled at Gostkowski. “Do you hear me? A retard.”

Sweet, dude, enjoy the year off. You can spend a month with every kid you have and still have three months dedicated solely to smoking bowls and unprotected sex.

And if you legal experts know of a way I can do drugs and then sue my employer for me doing drugs, I'd really appreciate it. Seems like a win-win to me.

Tom Brady had a modestly excellent game, Randy Moss had 100+ yards and two TDs again (he now has 500+ yards and 7 TDs in four games), and the defense was typically dominant while the offense maintained possession for over 37 minutes.

And Sammy Morris ran for a buck seventeen and a TD. And Brady has a supermodel girlfriend. And their coach is the smartest in the game. And....

"A urine sample submitted by Michael Vick has tested positive for marijuana, and as a result he'll have tighter restrictions on his freedom. The test was taken on Sept. 13. Because of the positive test, federal court probation officer Patricia Locket-Ross, who is assigned to Vick, asked Judge Henry Hudson to place special conditions on Vick's release, which include refraining from use or unlawful possession of a narcotic drug or other controlled substance."

How could we have possibly known Michael Vick smokes pot? Has he ever been photographed with a blunt? Has he ever tried to sneak it into an airport?

I find it difficult to fault Vick here; he was under a considerable amount of stress. And I can't really say a blame the guy since it's a lot easier to pay for weed before you go to jail then to have to toss someone's salad to get it.

Chicago's 34-10 loss to the Cowboys on Sunday night is now being attributed to quarterback Rex Grossman being inebriated while in the game. "I know a drunk quarterback when I see one," said Dallas head coach Wade Phillips. "We told our defensive backs to just play a few yards off of their recievers, and sure enough, three interceptions. That boy was three sheets to the wind." Grossman has so far refused to comment, though NFL officials are investigating.

Bear's Center Refuses To Snap The Ball To Rex Grossman

In related news, Bears' center Olin Kreutz announced today that he will stop snapping the ball to quarterback Rex Grossman. “At some point you have to stop being an enabler,” said Kreutz. “Since the coach won't beach him, the only one on this team who can stop Rex is me. So I'm taking it upon myself to end this nightmare.” When ask if he believes Grossman was drunk during the game, Kreutz claimed that the quarterback has been drunk for every game.

NFL Investigating Patriots’ 3-4-7 Defense

Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly set to levy another punishment against Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots today after determining that Belichick’s vaunted 3-4 defense is actually an illegal 3-4-7 defense. Armed with an extra three defenders at all times, Belichick’s Patriots have consistently had one of the NFL’s top defenses during the team’s run of success. Belichick says his 3-4-7 was a result of a different interpretation of the rule limiting the number of players on the field to 11.

McNabb Revises Statements Made During Controversial Interview

Today Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb modified his statement on HBO’s “Real Sports”, saying that what he meant to say was that mediocre NFL quarterbacks receive much more criticism than good NFL quarterbacks. “Lousy quarterbacks are criticized more than good quarterbacks," said McNabb. Lousy quarterbacks always have to do a little bit extra." Even after his tremendous success on Sunday, Eagles fans haven given McNabb a three-week deadline to win the Super Bowl or they will recommence booing him.

NEW YORK—The hundreds of hours of game and practice scouting videotapes that league officials seized from the New England Patriots also include over 100 hours of painstakingly thorough footage of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in the shower, sources within the NFL competition committee confirmed Tuesday.

"We are still investigating whether the assembled shower footage of Brady soaped up and wreathed in steam—which I can personally confirm was in fact taken in the showers of several different NFL-affiliated facilities around the league, and appears to have been shot by head coach Belichick himself—constitutes a violation of league laws or policies," league spokesman Greg Aiello told reporters during a press conference held at the league's Manhattan offices. "It is the opinion of the commissioner and the league that further extensive study is required before any judgment can be rendered in this matter."

"Our investigation continues to focus on any instances of cheating by the New England Patriots, and will continue to focus on cheating no matter how much Brady showering footage we find," Aiello added.

Aiello then displayed a 25-minute composite videotape consisting of representative segments and "highlights" of Brady in the shower.

Analysts agree that the bulk of the shower footage, while certainly unusual in many aspects, seems to have been shot with Brady's full knowledge and cooperation, although Brady does not appear especially enthusiastic. Early footage is also said to include showering quarterback Drew Bledsoe, then the Patriots starting quarterback, and at least 25 minutes of the earliest-known material was evidently shot in the showers at the University of Michigan as Brady was being scouted for the draft.

"To hear Belichick narrating the whole thing, pointing out his quarterback's tendencies, identifying Brady's strong points and the areas where he needs work, hearing his voice as a counterpoint to the sound of the hot running water and seeing that familiar sweatshirt-clad arm cut through the mist to hand Brady his towels—you realize the man has a unique football mind," said Sports Illustrated football correspondent Paul Zimmerman. "If nothing else, the attention to every significant detail definitely makes an impression on the viewer."

Although officials have not divulged whether other Patriots players or even quarterbacks from other teams were featured in their own showering videotapes, Aiello confirmed that the investigation was by no means complete and the total inventory may take weeks to assemble.

Neither Belichick nor Brady would comment on the investigation. The New England Patriots organization did not respond to requests for information, but released a statement Wednesday morning confirming that the league had compensated the team and coach for $750,000 in exchange for the videotapes in question.

Courtesy of The Onion

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

There's a lot of hullabaloo today over allegations that the Patriots employed a cameraman to steal signs from the Jets yesterday. The camera was confiscated and sent to NFL headquarters for further investigation. If guilty, the Patriots could face serious fines and the loss of draft picks.

"It's not their first time," a member of the committee, who did not wish to be identified, said. In fact, Green Bay Packers president Bob Harlan confirmed a similar incident that occurred when the Patriots played at Lambeau Field last Nov. 19. The same cameraman who was questioned by NFL security on Sunday was also the one whom the Packers removed from the sideline and escorted from the field during their 2006 game.

So NFL teams aren't allowed to steal signs? This is so confusing while the baseball season is going on. Because in baseball, you're supposed to steal signs. It's part of the strategy. Kind of like how in baseball, steroids are legal but frowned upon, whereas in the NFL they're illegal but totally cool. The nuances are tricky.

Did anyone else besides me not expect this kind of subterfuge from Bill Belichick? Usually he's so forthright.

I make it rain on dem hoes

Travis Henry has 9 children with 9 different women, none of whom are his wife. This dude is an STD waiting to happen. Evander Holifield has 9 illegitimate children as well, as does San Antonio Spur Willie Anderson (who the fuck is he you ask? I have no clue, but he slings it around like Flanagan at an all you can eat buffet). The former poster-boy for illegitimate kids, Shawn Kemp, only has 7. Although, in Kemp's defense, nobody has contacted him in the last 7 years to see if he has fathered anymore kids since they couldn't get between him and his doughnuts. Gerald Wallace, of the Bobcats (I'd put what city they play in, but I can't keep track. It's either New Orleans, Charlotte, or Oklahoma City) is well on his way to surpassing the record, as he has 3 bastard children and he's only 21. Way to go Gerald! Julius Irving recently had a sex tape released and the dude is hung like a rhinoceros, from what the people who leave comments on web pages say. Getting back to Heny, how does a dude who's only been in the league 7 years have so many kids? Here are some interesting stats: He has as many multiple touchdown games as he does children (9 vs 9). He scored 4 more touchdowns than he has children in 2006 (13 vs 9). He has rushed for 100 yards 10 more times than he has children (19 vs 9). He pays an estimated $450,000 a year in child support, but has been taken to court by 3 of his baby-mommas for failure to pay, saying "I ain't go no money", even though he recently signed a 23.2 million dollar deal with the Broncos. I nominate him as the NFL father of the year...

...All of which makes Tom Brady look like an angel. My nominees for Brady's baby name is: Toblerone Jones Brady-Moynahan, Nigel Mung Brady-Moynahan, Garth Stepnoski Brady-Moynahan, or my personal favorite, Collapsed Lung Brady-Moynahan (after the injury to Drew Bledsoe that gave Brady his start in the NFL).

And damn you, Flanagan, for that skinhead remark. If I only had a picture of you scratching yourself or playing the air drums on your thigh, I could retaliate, alas, I'll let this one slide.

A discussion between Matt Scott and myself led to the Ryan Leaf Memorial Award, given to a solid group of charter members with membership open to all who have enormous potential, are afforded enormous financial and social gains, yet somehow manage to piss it away. A complete and total lack of judgement is also a good contributing factor for prospective members. Membership is not limited to just athletes, it is open to all. This is not merely a "draft bust" list, it encompasses many different facets of society. The ballots for 2007 are already out to the AP and UPI, leading vote getters so far include Mike Vick, Chris Benoit, Pacman Jones, and anyone who ever rode in the Tour de France who isn't Lance Armstrong. By the way, my own personal beliefs won't factor into this. Just because I hate Vijay Singh doesn't mean he's a member.

The President: Ryan Leaf. Drafted 2nd overall (behind Peyton Manning), Leaf's career meltdown is well documented and I see no need to rehash the 3 mile island-style failure suffered by the lad. While Peyton has gone on to success, Ryan Leaf is now the golf coach at West Texas A&M, so I guess the question is: Who knew Ryan Leaf could play golf?

His fellow charter members:

Rae Carruth, WR, Carolina Panthers. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that taking out a hit on your pregnant former girlfriend was illegal. What kind of totalitarian state are we living in nowadays? I think Gross drafted Carruth this year accidentally.

Colin Farrell, Actor. Alexander the Great has a dude on dude scene with Jared Leto? Sweet, that'll make my career skyrocket. Miami Vice remake? Sign me up. It's not like Hollywood's remade any other 80s TV shows into movies.

Lawrence Phillips, RB, many teams. Matt and I were torn on whether or not to call this the Lawrence Phillips award, that's how much of a total disaster he was. Before even getting to the NFL, he had a felony assault conviction for dragging his girlfriend down the stairs by her hair, a DUI, and Tom Osborne's eternal gratitude for finally getting the Huskers a title. While a professional, bad call after bad call led to him being cut by: The Rams, 49ers, Dolphins, Florida Bobcats (AFL), the Montreal Alouettes (CFL), and the Calgary Stampeders (CFL) all for insubordination or fighting with coaches. He is currently awaiting sentencing after being convicted of 7 counts of assault with a deadly weapon.

Elizabeth Berkeley, Actress. I can imagine her agent pitching Showgirls to her. "Seriously, Liz, this has Oscar potential. It's edgy and totally realistic. It will make your career, just like Basic Instinct made Sharon Stone". She would go on to play small parts in Any Given Sunday (as a stripper no less) and nothing else that I can recall.

Daryl Russell, DT, Oakland Raiders. Three violations of the NFLs substance abuse policy led to the two time pro bowler being blackballed by the league. Russell also videotaped two of his USC buddies raping a girl which was a nice touch to the total failure he became. His train wreck of a career fittingly ended in a car wreck where he and another former teammate hit a curb, a tree, a newstand, a fire hydant, a light pole, another tree, and a bus.

Tony Mandarich, OT, Green Bay Packers. The freakish size of Mandarich shoud have tipped us off to the unbelievable amounts of steroids he was consuming. After coming into the league with more hype than Brian Bosworth, Mandarich was unable to play, even at the scout team level. He compounded this when he challenged Mike Tyson to a boxing match. This was 1989, so this is not the ear-biting, face tattooing, "I want to eat your children" Tyson. This is scary-as-hell, holy shit I'm Michael fucking Spinks and he's going to kill me in the ring Tyson. Challenging Tyson to a fight back then was like locking yourself into a room with a hungry Katow-Jo without Baxter to save your ass.

John Rocker, Pitcher, Atlanta Braves. "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." Comments like that led to Rocker's dismissal from baseball. He was later linked to a steroid ring. He currently tours America with his wife on the "Speak English" campaign preaching about the evils of minorities who don't assimilate.

This list is not complete, I am open to any prospective members I might have overlooked. Considered for membership but turned down for other reasons include: Shawn Bradley (how can you be 7'6" and still suck at basketball), Ricky Williams (stats were too good to overrule complete drug meltdown), Daryl Strawberry (too old), Brian Bosworth (he was my idol in 8th grade and I still refuse to believe he did steroids), and Ki-Jana Carter or any of the other failed (Curtis Enis, Blair Thomas) Penn State running backs (Larry Johnson salvaged their collective honor).

Mike Vick Indicted; NFL Suspends Pacman

“I will not put up with any of our players – no matter how big a name they are or how marketable they might be – putting the NFL in a bad light," stated NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Vick was unavailable for comment due to hosting a night of midget fighting at his Virginia home.

The 2007 KFL Draft will be held on Sunday, August 12th @ High Noon. It will be hosted by Mr. Gross at 2850 E. Orange Grove Ave, Pasadena.