Last week will go down as the greatest week of fantasy football in the history of the Erwin Invitational.  Not only have the last two Erwins in the hunt for a Super Bowl Championship been eliminated, but this momentous week has consequently shook the foundation of the Erwin Invitational at its core as well.  Quoting the Erwin Invitational Bylaws, "1.1 Organization over Time: This is, at its root, The Erwin Invitational. Founded based on the concept that Erwin genetics and ancestry directly contribute to success in Fantasy Football and the willingness to back that up with repeated success against the invitees on a season-to-season basis. The league was founded by the Erwins and its title will always carry the Erwin name."

     Even though the Erwins may be willing to back up their claims of superior genetics and ancestry with repeated success against the invitees, this is not to say that they can.  I think the Erwins have learned a huge lesson this week: Just because you're willing to win doesn't mean you can win.  Many of you may be asking yourselves "Well, if I can't win, who can win?"  The answer is clear here: Either coach Lucas Duralia or coach Ian Douglas.  Both have proven that their team is worthy of contending for a championship, and both have defeated their division rivals. 

     In their first matchup in week 7, coach Douglas had a heartbreaking loss to rival coach Chris Erwin, with a final score of 116.7 to 115.5.  An upsetting coaching error that could have been avoided simply by starting his other kicker seemed to motivate him and his team to make it to the playoffs for the sole purpose of defeating coach Erwin.  Last week coach Douglas led his team to a 109.6 to 98 win against the defending champion appropriately named "Hillary's Vagina"

     As for coach Duralia and Coach Jeff Erwin, the tension could not have been higher.  Their first matchup in week 2 consisted of solid production from both teams.  Unfortunately for coach Erwin, Duralia's ability to motivate his team and boost their morale at any point of the game is what helped him grab a victory with a final score of 149.6 to 137.3.  When both teams met up again in week 13, where a first round bye week was on the line for the winner, the tension between both coaches had brewed into a bitter rivalry.  While both teams had spent the entire season neck and neck fighting for first place in their division, Coach Erwin's anger began to fester.  In an effort to release some of his rage, and publicly display his deep hate for coach Duralia, Erwin released a public statement attacking Duralia and his coaching tactics.  Surprisingly, Duralia had no comment.  In their week 13 matchup, Duralia took a crushing defeat with a final score of 141.6 to 125.9.  While Duralia did lose his first round bye week, it may have been just what his team needed to get to the Super Bowl.  After fighting through the first round of playoffs, coach Duralia was set to have one final battle against coach Erwin.  This time it was Erwin who did not come prepared, losing to Duralia 113.9 to 80.7. In a post game interview, coach Erwin told the press "We underperformed, plain and simple.  Clearly we aren't the team we thought we were.  next year will be a year for rebuilding...We just don't have the depth to be consistent."  While coach Erwin does plan to coach again next year, it is unsure if he will stay with the Stomach Cramps.  Rumors have been circulating that he may not be able to cut it in a NFL fantasy league and that he may be going to a Canadian league.

     As for the Super Bowl matchup against coach Duralia and coach Douglas, both coaches guarantee an exciting game.  Both teams have the depth to win any game, despite having a few injured players.  Coach Duralia claims his team was only successful because of the depth he has in his wide recievers and tight ends.  He also told the press in an interview yesterday that "Without a good backup, one single injury can end your season...I mean look at the Oregon Ducks."  Although coach Duralia and coach Douglas have only met once this season, that is not to say that there is no tension between these teams.  Douglas faced possibly his most heartbreaking loss of the season in week 11 when he not only lost to Duralia 159.8 to 97.2, but also lost his star quarterback Donovan McNabb.  Coach Douglas will be looking for revenge next week with a healthy Donovan, while Duralia will be relying on his star quarterback, Drew Brees.  Despite the winner of next week's game, these two coaches have made Erwin Invitational history.  not only have they eliminated all the Erwins from weaseling their way into another championship, but they have succesfully proven that championships cannot be won by solely relying on genetics and ancestry.

Hillary hurts because her Vagina hurts

Dear Failed Revolutionaries,

I have two important things to address. First, I was very sorry to see you lose your most recent battle. My heart weeps with sadness. On paper the loss doesn’t look all that bad. It’s only one battle out of a yearly thirteen, or around 8% of the war. Unfortunately it is not that simple. We are participants in a civilized war with rules and structure. Since war is a bad thing, according to pussies, we all agreed to a Constitution with rules dictating yearly resting periods for our troops. We do this because the war takes its toll on our troops, so they are entitled to periods of peace. This leads me to my point. Your recent loss coinciding with the timing of the loss has resulted in a devastating impact on both the morale and the ability of your troops to fight any longer. They have finally admitted to themselves that they are no match for opposing battalions. Through the course of the war your troops fought hard on a weekly basis, but have finally succumbed to the reality that they simply cannot compete effectively without serious upgrades in talent. I must admit, you managed to lead your roster of malcontents to more battle victories than expected, but they still fell short of accomplishing anything worthy of pride. Having been outclassed by the troops of opposing forces all year long, their fighting spirit finally perished. With great sadness, I watch as your beaten troops flee to the safety of the consolation bracket. Maybe now they will find themselves facing opponents they are capable of beating. If not, there’s always next year! After everything you have lost, at least you can say you still have hope for a better future.

Second, did you hear the great news?! I made it to the playoffs!! Since you lost and I won, I am also the new “Division of the Consistently Offensive” Champion! Yay!

Sincerely,

Hillary’s Vagina

PS: If you aren’t going to use McGahee, will you please trade him back to me?

Shameful Loss Hurts Duck

COLLEGE FOOTBALL UPDATE:

With three weeks having passed, there remains one loan udefeated team in the Erwin Invitational.  Matt Damkroger and his team of Revolutionaries have taken this league by storm. 

"I'd like to say these guys snuck up on us, but that would be a complete and utter lie," says Muddy Grunts coach Derek Erwin.  "Thinking that my team is going to have to somehow face off against those monsters has plagued me since the start of training camp.  I don't sleep, I can't eat, and I have lately broke out in a bad case of hives." 

Derek's brother, Chris, has already fallen victim to The Revolution.  Chris states, "I knew these guys were going to be good, but they were throwing things at us that were beyond my comprehension.  The fact that we have to face them twice this year is just down right unfair."  Coach C. Erwin suffered a week 1 "handling" by The Revolution and then had to watch his beloved Rams lose to the 49ers in St. Louis the very following Sunday. 

Week 2 the Revolution faced off against Bush Equals Victory.  Following the shalacking that took place in which Damkroger's team more than doubled up the opponents score, Coach JR Wetz gave no comment.  That Tuesday the league office recieved a resignation letter.  Apparently coach Wetz feels his team of "over payed, underperforming, sissies" has no business in this league and has begged and pleaded the commish to send him over to the Fantasy CFL.  Wetz only hopes he can grab that first overall draft pick and watch his Ken Simonton led team take his Canuck league by storm. 

This last sunday Damkroger's squad went head to head with another Erwin, the "young stallion" as his father calls him.  After a controversial off season trade that mysteriously landed the commish with last years leage MVP, Ladanian Tomlinson, Kyle Erwin felt as though he could put up a fight.  "Well... we were wrong.  They are just too good." Uttered a sobbing Erwin.  Consoled by his father, whispers of "There, there, young stallion.  LT wasn't enough huh?  Well you can have whatever players of mine you want," were heard through the corner of Coach Jeff Erwin's mouth. 

Well two Erwins and a Wetz down, the league title to go.  Is anybody going to stand up to this power house?  Thus far, last years champion, last years MVP, and ...JR have fallen.  Hopefully someone can step up to the plate.

Boston probably needs steroids now...

As incorrectly reported earlier by the Tampa Tribune, Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver David Boston was arrested after a high speed chase that ended with the destruction of a stolen Lamborghini in northern Chicago. The condition of the car, whose owner was ironically found to be to Chicago Bears LB Lance Briggs, could only be described as “totally f***ed” by Chicago Police Chief Philip J. Cline. The car, which was estimated as traveling at an outrageous 75 miles per hour over the speed limit, careened off the road just short of crashing through an old house before smashing into a light pole and resting up against a guard rail.

At a press conference following the arrest, Boston responded to reporters questions about the relationship between Mr. Briggs and himself:

“Man, Lance ain’t the great man y’all make him out to be. I knew Lance from back in the day when we went to Detroit Middle School of Hard Knocks. That (multiple expletives) sold crack to my babies momma, got her all doped up.”

Boston was freed on $5 million bail, and awaits sentencing in Illinois court on September 25^th.

Apparently Coach Silas Davis is not satisfied with finishing 10^th place in the league. He wants to establish the worst franchise in league history. Failing is not enough to satisfy Coach Davis’ masochist tendencies. He wants to show the rest of the league that he has mastered the art of failure.

For this article to make sense please recall last year’s draft for a moment, and more specifically the 72^nd overall pick. Last year Coach Silas Davis threw the league into a fit of confusion when he decided against using common sense when picking which players to draft. For the last pick of the 6^th round Coach Davis felt he couldn’t wait any longer to draft Corey Shaver, a player who most likely would not have been drafted at all. Apparently this was not just a dumb rookie mistake. It was the beginning of a cataclysmal trend.

Fast forward to this years draft, Coach Davis has demonstrated a renewed vigor for abstaining from the use of common sense. This year he started ignoring his common sense before the draft even started! He chose to keep Grandpa Favre, who has been displaying several symptoms of dementia. Favre’s dementia is only the tip of the ice burg. It was clear while watching him play last year that he just stopped giving a fuck. He would throw interceptions because the defensive players were more open than his own receivers. While Favre’s status as a legend is cemented in the history books, the guy needs to retire. Admittedly, sometimes it is difficult to let the legends of football retire from fantasy relevance (e.g. Coach Derek Erwin drafting Jerry Rice years after he retired.).

After the round of keeper selections the draft finally started. After Coach Davis made his first pick, hilarity ensues and confusion once again runs rampant among the other team owners. In the 5^th round with plenty of seasoned and productive players still available, Coach Davis picked Anthony Gonzalez. He is a rookie wide receiver who played one season of college football as a starter, and then opted to forgo his senior season. He wasn't special in college, didn't make big plays, and never did much after the catch.  Now, he is going to be competing with other players to get the scraps that Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne don't want.

Drafting one rookie wide receiver way too early wasn’t enough to ensure complete defeat though. Coach Davis wanted a guaranteed disastrous season. So he decided to only draft rookie receivers. His whole set of receivers has a combined zero games of NFL experience. Great work! So it is established that the wide receiver crew drafted by Coach Davis is the complete opposite of stellar.

Now let’s take a look at all of his runningbacks. To begin, Coach Davis’ only good draft pick in his entire history of drafting was last year when he picked Reggie Bush. Luckily, Reggie also made the list of keepers, which is a completely rational choice. Weird. The next runningback drafted by Coach Davis is Lorenzo Booker. Booker is not a starter and is merely a backup to Ronnie Brown. The rational pick here would have been a runningback who is actually supposed to get some playing time during the regular season. Oh well, this pick follows the drafting philosophy firmly established by Coach Davis. Finally, the last runningback drafted by Coach Davis is Priest Holmes. Apparently, to the surprise of many, Holmes didn’t retire two years ago after breaking his neck. We’ll see if this one pans out. I doubt it.

After watching two agonizing seasons of Coach Davis’ drafting style it seems that his knack for choosing quality fantasy players has not improved. In fact, it may be getting worse.

Brady serves Coach Rodgers the bird!

In a surprise off-season move Tom Brady has decided that he doesn’t love his old coach anymore. Coach Dan Rodgers and Tom Brady have had an ongoing love-affair since the two started working together. It all started a few years ago when Coach Rodgers was showing Brady how to take snaps from his center to improve quickness off the ball. Brady was struggling with the concepts until Rodgers said, “I’ll show you where to place your hands. You be the center, bend over and hike me the ball. See where I am placing my hands? See how close my hands are to your petite yet beautiful balls? Hmmm, this is a nice side of you I never noticed, Tom. You’ve been working out?”

The love between the two men blossomed from there. Tom loved the way Coach Rodgers played with his balls, and Coach couldn’t get enough of Tom’s “petite yet beautiful balls.” It wasn’t until the start of the 2007 season that the relationship started to sour. The typical nitpicking and bickering between lovers was getting more intense and finally amounted to a wedge equivalent to the size of Brady’s largest anal plug. The wedge proved to be too much for the couple to handle amicably and caused the two men to part ways right before the draft started. Once the rest of Coach Rodger’s team heard the news they were devastated and immediately took Brady’s side in the lover’s quarrel.

Brady led the march out of the team’s training facility and the team followed as they all walked by the liberal media. When this reporter asked Tom what was going on he replied honestly: “Man, fuck coach. That sonovabitch ruined my life. I didn’t want this information to get out to the public, but last year he got me pregnant. Instead of letting me abort it like all the other girls, Coach said we were going to get rid of it the old fashion way. He literally punched me in the stomach until my ass bled and then he threw me down the stairs seven and a half different times! None of that worked so he finally got the coat hanger out. Thankfully that worked after a few tries. If he really had loved me he would have gotten the coat hanger out first! Fuck you coach, we are finished!” After Tom let his feelings out he got in his geo metro and drove off, but not before stopping one last time to flip Coach Rodgers the bird.

Since this has all been very recent developments we don’t have much else to report. There are rumors of a few players defecting Brady’s side of the quarrel and crawling back to Coach Rodgers’ team though. Please check in later for updates!