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Armchair World Football League League Articles |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Tue Dec 25 9:49:18 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Mon Dec 17 9:46:05 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Mon Dec 17 7:22:33 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Fri Dec 14 8:50:25 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Your Commissioner proposes to have a Super Bowl half time show like no other. Thirty minutes of Michael Vick playing "dodge balls" with Zippy.
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| By Marge's Marlboro Men on Tue Dec 11 5:30:21 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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I'm tired of the same picture on the homepage everytime I go to the site. This picture is much more pleasant. Love Marge |
| By Chefs of the Future on Thu Nov 22 6:28:51 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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"I don't want to give too much away, but there is a KILLER stuffing recipe." When prompted for some personal insights into the life as an AWFL coach's wife, she grew surly. "Buy the damn thing, you miserable excuse for a pencil pushing, Big Mac munching, stained shirt wearing vulture!" However, an Inside Source close to the Nybardi household did reveal that the "Happy" Kitchen/Nybardi schism has taken a toll on the personal lives of both families. "They don't talk any more.", Guirremo Saccaskratchi lamented. "It used to be that they would spend hours with their heads close together, giggling and laughing. They were so much in love. Now they don't even cook!" Coach and Mrs. Nybardi are not talking??!! "NO! Coach bought her from Svetlana's Wife Emporium. PUH-lease! You think someone like Coach Nybardi could ever catch a woman like Mrs. Nybardi? I'm speaking of Happy and Coach. Then that Effen Mae stole jolly ol' Happy away and Coach's life went into the crapper." Oh. |
| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Wed Nov 21 12:22:46 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Margie Honey, Every time I score, the Whiskey Traders get points because wise ass HC Durmick stole Kitna in the draft and then traded my Homey bro Romo to His majesty HC Larsen for that deadbeat Manning. If Durmick passes on Kitna in the draft, he goes to HC Flynn and everyone is happy. To make a long story short, Flynn has manipulated Manning not to score for Durmick as punishment for stealing Kitna, who is with Flynn now anyway, so what does it matter. It matters because Flynn is power mad and still pulls the strings around here. Kitna sucks. Who needs him? Love you, T.O. |
| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Wed Nov 21 10:52:35 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Dear Marge, I am working on sharing. I know I have been a bad boy. Maybe we can get together so you can spank me again. Love, T.O. |
| By Marge's Marlboro Men on Mon Nov 19 4:52:16 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Sun Nov 18 1:31:49 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Frequently, in public restrooms in the many stadiums of AWFL and other less important fantasy football leagues, as a courtesy to others using the restroom, toilet users may perform what is as known as a "courtesy flush," where the user flushes after the initial release of feces to minimize the odor. Since it is not so much the feces as the accompanying flatulence that causes much of the odor, especially at the Huckleberries Stadium, performing a flush soon enough after the intial release causes the odor to be sucked away removing much of it before it spreads to adjacent areas. Subsequent release of feces in the same session does not usually produce as much flatulence so additional courtesy flushes are not required but may be utilized at AWFL owners discretion. A similar technique is often used with modern, less-efficient "low cistern" designs and "water efficient" system, used in the washrooms of the Las Vegas Showgirls stadium, to reduce the likelihood that the toilet will block or fail to clear completely on the final flush. Whether this technique wastes more water than older designs, as used in the Catfish stadium, or the additional flushing required to clear a blocked or incompletely flushed toilet is debatable. However, no courtesy flush is necessary or required while visiting the Whiskey Traders stadium at Fort Whoop-Up because the wooden outdoor toilets require no flushing whatsoever. And we all know that Commissioner Larsen’s shit doesn’t stink.
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| By Rapa Nui Islanders on Fri Nov 16 9:25:38 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Crystal Springs Huckleberries on Mon Nov 12 9:08:27 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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CRYTAL SPRINGS. Huckleberry fans have had enough! After losing their fourth game in a row, fans took out their frustrations on longtime Berry mascott Huckleberry Hound. Hound was beaten beyond recognition late Sunday evening outside Ball Jar stadium following the Berry defeat. Apparently Hound was lurred into a mens port-o-let by two drunken Berry fans claiming to be throwing a party inside. Dogged by rumors about his sexuality and longtime affairs with Snagglepuss and Jim Neighbors, Hound was dismayed by the attack,"Golly, I just want to make them happy, why me? Whyyyyyy?" Said one angry berry fan, "Serves him right! I didn't even know dawgs did that!" Another fan chimed in, "It's enough we gotta watch that crap on TV every night, think of what these damned non-union writers are gonna do" |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Tue Nov 6 11:15:28 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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All we ask is that our brothers in the film processing business join in a symbolic gesture of solidarity and refuse to call in a team this weekend. If you keep your players off the field this weekend you send a message to the baby-raping studio execs that cannot be ignored. And when those non-players produce no stats, I will be there to record the zeros. I promise that I will. Down the oppressors. Up with stats! |
| By Marge's Marlboro Men on Tue Nov 6 4:54:24 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Chefs of the Future on Sun Nov 4 8:24:48 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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"I don't see what the fuss is all about. Effie Mae and I had a series of Business Meetings at various restaurants around the world. We were trying to get a deal done, for the love of Pete!" When asked about the pictures of him with his arm around Effie Mae, he grew even more agitated. "I'm in a cast, for Heaven's Gate!" Pressed further, and shown a clip of the now infamous Cab Ride Of Love video, he began throwing turkey necks at the reporters and shouting "She lost her dentures! She lost her dentures!" At that point a member of the Chef's training staff administered his medication and all other comments were unintelligible. Thomas Flynnberg, the Power Behind the Throne/Mr. Stat , was asked what the league's response would be and any possible sanctions by the Commish. "Oh, that is just too terrible an image to even imagine. Effie Mae and Happy in a cab? Yikes, please don't ..." At which point Mr. Stat began to scratch his eyes out. |
| By Crystal Springs Huckleberries on Sat Nov 3 10:53:16 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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CRYSTAL SPRINGS. Aparently the honeymoon is over between Carson Palmer and embattled Berry owner Craig McAlpin. Palmer complained to the media this week that he was being forced to endorse numerous Huckleberry products that didn't suit his "image". He also complained of improper "situations" with Berry Director of Player Personel Effie Mae Brown. Palmer then waxed on poetically about his days in Rapa Nui " Living down on Dumicks Pot Plantation was a stone cold groove my man" Though it was rumored McAlpin was barely lucid these days and residing in Tampa, no longer in touch with the day to day operations of the Berry Franchise, the old lion roared once he read Palmers quote. "I have complete confidence that Effie Mae can turn our fortunes around and Carson will finally play like the number seven frickin pick in the frickin draft. Oh wait he is!" McAlpin went on " Oh well, we can't trade the sum bitch we might as well put his butt to work. Effie got a new line of Pickled Pigs feet we'll be lauching next week and we expect Carson to be a big part of our plans."
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| By Chefs of the Future on Fri Nov 2 8:23:15 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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In an effort to quench the spreading rumors of discord within the Chef of the Future's organization, Chef's head coach Dr. Robert Nybardi issued a statement via his Sous Chef Madelene " Pasties" McGrue: " I would like to thank Happy Kitchen for the deal he engineered. His ties to Effie Mae has crafted a trade that should work for both teams. I am very excited by the added depth at Tight End and the explosive punch in our Wide Receiving core. I would also like to take full responsibility for our teams dismal performance to date. We have the talent to be an elite caliber team. I blame myself for our underwhelming performance. Mistakes have been made. I also believe we have put that unfortunate training room incident involving Lee Evans and Daryl Jackson's pet python to rest. The whilrpool is now off limits to all player's pets. I have full confidence that Lee has put this behind him and now can focus on doing his job: catching some freakin' passes -- Heck, maybe even getting into the end zone." When asked about the recently eradicate behavior of owner Harold "Happy" Kitchen, she scoffed. "You'd think he was the silent partner of the Vicodin franchise. He has been acting like the red -headed love child of Brett Favre and Courtny Love since Bobby-kins got married three years ago. I heard he contacted the FDA to volunteer as a test subject." Obviously, no controversy here. |
| By Rapa Nui Islanders on Tue Oct 30 8:09:23 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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The fourth quarter of any fiscal year is always a dangerous time to accrue extra points which can quickly slip you into a higher scoring bracket. The IRS will tax these points at a higher rate, TOM BRADY, even though they do not increase your annual point total. Did you know, TOM BRADY that a simple way to avoid these fiscal pitfalls is to use a simple, legal technique known as Touchdown Averaging? With touchdown averaging, the touchdowns you earn in the fourth fiscal quarter can be spread equally over the entire twelve months of 2007, saving you hundreds of points during the off-season. So, if you were to score, say, fifty touchdowns in the months of September through December, you could average those touchdowns over the entire year! Yes, that's right, TOM BRADY, the IRS will only penalize you for the ANNUAL AVERAGE touchdowns of just over ONE PER WEEK! We've noticed that the 2007 fourth quarter has been very lucrative one for you TOM BRADY. As your AWFL Tax Representative, we have already gone ahead and submitted the appropriate forms that will average your touchdown production to just over ONE PER WEEK, retroactively. We recognize that this may lose you a game here and there during the busy fall season, but it will save you a lot of points, and potential legal problems in the spring. Commissioner Larsen will empower MR. Stat to make it so. You're welcome. |
| By Chefs of the Future on Fri Oct 26 2:45:22 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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"Dammit, Nybardi left that thing out on purpose!" an agitated Kitchen exclaimed to the media. "Ever since his 'scouting trip' into the Great White North, he has had it out for me. I didn't know that Lee Evans was going to suck this bad. I still have faith in Evans. He is a second half player, and we are moving into the second half. " "He certainly doesn't have to stomp around while I'm working in the test kitchen. I can't rise a souffle with all his banging and clomping about. He keeps switching the salt and sugar container labels. I tell you he is a menace." A trainer was brought in to administer Kitchen's medication and the rest of Mr. Kitchen's comments were unintelligible. |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Wed Oct 24 6:42:37 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Prairie View A&M Kitties on Wed Oct 24 11:05:47 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Tue Oct 23 10:08:46 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Whiskey Trader QB loves kids. As you can see by this picture taken the night before the Whiskey Trader victory over the Kitties. Any remarks to the contrary made by the Kitties HC are purely sour grapes. When the Kitties HC eavesdropped on the Whiskey Traders QB headset, he heard HC Larsen call for a INT by Manning. HC Larsen was going for another tie. HC Flynn thought it was a trick play and refused to intercept. Coach Flynn was heard to say after the game, "I hate kids. But, I hate kissing my sister even more." |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Mon Oct 22 9:55:43 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Shame on you, Mr. Larsen. The victims are the children. |
| By Prairie View A&M Kitties on Sun Oct 21 9:11:59 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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AWFL: How is football today different from when you played? Trotter: Well, the money, for one thing. We didn't get paid nothin'. Oh, in the summers Larsen would let us scrub derricks for extra money, little more if you took your shirt off, but Jesus Christ, no way did we make the kind of millions these kids are getting today. AWFL: What do you miss most about the game? Trotter: When I was calling signals, I liked to look right in the middle linebacker's eyes and call him a name. "Homo" if there was rumors goin' around, or, you know, like "Mick" if he was an Irish fella. Oh, they'd get so mad they'd fire in and just knock the shit out of me. I loved a good hit. Nowadays, quarterbacks don't like to be hit, but I liked it. Knocked the cobwebs outta the old thinking cap. Jesus Christ, I loved a good hit. AWFL: How did you make the transition from player to regular Joe? Trotter: Oh, I did all kinds of stuff. I was a professional wrestler for a year, but then I found out it was fake. I was a car salesman. I did color timing at a film processing business, but what kind of job is that for a man? I was in the Wild West Stunt Show at Universal Studios, playing the part of "Ma" for thousands of cheering Japs and dog-eaters, but the "Felix" characters were always a little light in the loafers and I never liked the way they looked at me. I mean, they knew I was a man and all. AWFL: What are you doing now? Trotter: In the day I work as a greeter at Calgary's top Tim Horton's. At night I wipe the fingerprints off Larsen's DeLorian. It's not the bright lights and celebrity of the old days, but it pays the bills and occasionally there's peanut brittle. That's about all you can ask for in this world; to not get raped by motorcycle gangs, and every now and then get a little peanut brittle. |
| By The Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls on Wed Oct 17 10:54:44 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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The streets, buffets, and church basements of Las Vegas were left reeling this week after the onslaught of the "Berry Buddies", the Crystal Springs Huckleberries largest booster club. "I just hope we can recover in time for the Vicodins fans this weekend". Says Derick Hidell, Director of the Las Vegas Outreach and Social Resource Center. "All of our 12-step programs really took a pounding from the Huckleberries this past week and now we have the "Vico-fans" coming into town. Hidell added. "It's weeks like these that really test your faith". In related AWFL news, in an effort to bring fans back to Gopher Hole Stadium, the hapless Los Angeles Fuzzy Gophers have changed their team Motto to "We have the Loosest Slots". |
| By Prairie View A&M Kitties on Wed Oct 17 9:00:19 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Mon Oct 15 12:14:31 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Well, then you owners, you sweet, sweet owners decided to stop scoring points against me so I could get inexplicably back to .500. I gotta tell you something, I was affected, emotionally. I'm usually stoic. Not Lon Gowan stoic, but I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, that's for blowing my nose. But after the Berries, The Geckos and the Tadpoles* scored 37 points combined against me, well, I gotta a little choked up. (Apparently the Catfish, Islanders and Vicodins failed to get the memo and beat the shit out of me) I knew you guys were conspiring to help, and, as Greg Dolph would put it, gosh darn, I really appreciate it. Anyway guys, thanks. Really. And L2, I know you want to pitch in, too. I'm usually too proud to accept charity, but I would never embarrass you by failing to accept a helping hand. The fact that you would help after me bitching like a nanny about waivers, golly, I don't know what to say. Thanks guys. You're the best. (sniff) *prior to Monday game. |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Mon Oct 8 9:30:45 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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No, there will be no undefeated team this year, but the Gophers are holding onto hope for a perfect season of an altogether nature. |
| By Rapa Nui Islanders on Thu Oct 4 7:00:18 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Henry was not available for comment as he was wolfing down a boxful of Twinkies at the time of this interview. |
| By Prairie View A&M Kitties on Mon Oct 1 9:04:52 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Mon Sep 24 3:08:44 p.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Crystal Springs Huckleberries on Sun Sep 23 3:50:05 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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Big Berry to Little Berry: xnay on Eagle Eye Plan 9. Abort! Repeat Abort! Move to default plan 8, drug the cat with toxic berrie merchandise! |
| By Marge's Marlboro Men on Sat Sep 22 10:22:58 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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It is a battle for #1 spot in the Smythe division- Whoop Up vs.Men. It is also the battle of Manning vs. Manning. Eli was quoted-- there will be no brotherly love this weekend. I'm going to Whoop Up his ass (wink wink) Go Men!!! |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Fri Sep 21 12:04:23 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Marge's Marlboro Men on Mon Sep 17 7:46:08 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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I have been accused by one owner in the league of being a Bengals fan. Just because I live in Cincinnati and own a Chad Johnson jersey, who dey cup, and Bengals #1 finger doesn't mean I am a fan. I have to own these things because I live in Cincinnati. As long as the Browns continue to win, I am a Browns fan. Last night I got out my dawg pound shirt (very dusty) and Cleveland browns #1 finger (also dusty) and packed them for my trip to Cleveland at the end of the month. Ultimately, my #1 team is the Marlboro Men - I will never stray from the Men.
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| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Sat Sep 15 11:02:28 a.m. PT 2007 | ||
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| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Wed Sep 12 10:07:31 a.m. PT 2007 |
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| The bonuses took an extra day this week because Monday night I was taking my wife out for her birthday. They were delayed Tuesday morning because I went to a pub and enjoyed delicious Irish beer. Sorry for the delay, but stats are delicious even the 2nd day. Love, Mr Stat |
| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Wed Sep 5 10:34:52 p.m. PT 2007 |
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Thanks to the Fuzzy Gophers for letting us invade on such short notice. The draft was a success for most coaches. My team sucks! |
| By Fort Whoop Up Whiskey Traders on Fri Jul 6 9:11:28 a.m. PT 2007 |
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Your new Commissioner would like to thank all those Head Coaches and wives who could make it to the Canada Day BBQ. Mrs. Whiskey Trader thinks you are all so nice. Coach Durmick worked his magic act and got the draft order set. Good luck to everyone this season. I know it will be a tough season with you all getting used to having 12 men on the field and punting on 3rd down instead of the old rule on 4th down. At this years draft on Sept 5th there will be peanut brittle for the Coach who can name all the current CFL teams. |
| By Armchair World Football League Commissioner on Sun Jul 1 5:13:31 p.m. PT 2007 |
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| Here is the order for the AWFL Draft to be held Wednesday, September 5th beginning at 5:00 PM: 1. Geckoes 2. Whisky Traders 3. Showgirls 4. Marge 5. Tadpoles 6. Catfish 7. Berries 8. Vicodins 9. Chefs 10. Cigar Store 11. Kitties 12. Rapa Nui 13. Gophers 14. Eem Team |
