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Shack’s Ramblings…..ok here we go

Don’t you just love Dave Logan on 850 KOA his calling of the game, granted some of you don’t hear him, I can only pick him up at night after the sun goes down…yeah, all the way in OKC I can pick up 850 KOA sometimes, it’s great.  You know when Logan goes ok, here we go 40, 45, 50, 40…etc etc it’s gonna be good, it’s the “ok, here we go” that is awesome, I remember this CD I have of Denver’s 1998 season, a lot of his calls were on that CD and his saying, hand off to TD on the left hand side, OK, here we go….well it just brings chills to my spine 

And you know what else brings chills to me?  Playoff fantasy football, but my chills are like the flu/cold kind of chills b/c my team is so close to making the playoffs or missing them depending on this week, this could be said for a lot of teams out there, win and your in or lose and your out.  Some teams have to score a lot of points to assure their playoff spot, other teams it doesn’t matter……so OK, here we go, playoff fantasy football, can you dig it?

I’d like to thank some teams that suck but still haven’t tanked the season, you all really deserve a big slap on the back…….I mean if I was sideburn, how interested could you be in ensuring you have the right players playing every week when your team just sucks so bad, there is a vortex of suckiness surrounding those who dare enter his vector, kinda like a black hole, except worse….all those around who come in contact with the sucky teams can’t escape some of their suckitude rubbing off on them.  I mean, I lost to sideburn and my team hasn’t been the same since, I just now struggled to get back of the .500 mark and since I play the best team in the league, I’ll go back down to .500 and probably miss the playoffs.  So just be aware of the vortex of suckitude, it surrounds all those who dare try and defeat it, it’s kinda like tar from the Labrea Tar Pits, sure you can hover over it just fine, but take one dip into it and you struggle to get out and the more stuck you get, so just be wary all those who face sucky teams this week, the vortex will get you…..oh yes indeed it will get you. 

Let’s take a look at the playoff possibilities we have here

OM League

#1 Sin City Mob

#2 REB

#3 Pez

#4 Bman

#5 Delaware

#6 Philly

Still alive are Killer Goats and Suto.  Goats have a huge game against Pez, they win and they are in, that simple, but that could be hard to do since Pez is the hottest team sans the Mob in this league. 

Suto has an easier time in playing the bad news bears, but even then he has to score some points to ensure he can get in, just in case Philly and Delaware both win.  Philly does play the evil head brigade, so he might have an easy time to win too, just be wary of the vortex of suckitude.  Delaware plays REB,  Delaware needs to outscore REB by 58 points to get the #3 seed in the playoffs, but any slip up by Delaware followed by a Suto win or a Goat win and Delware is on the outside looking in.

Pez is probably in even if he loses based on his point total, depending on how other teams shake out, of course if his team tanks and Goats win and Suto win, Pezy could be on the outside looking in, tight, tight, tight I tell you.

Bman is almost assured the #4 seed, #1 seed is obviously going to be the Mob, if REB wins he is the #2 seed regardless……he loses and Pez overtakes him in points, Pez is #2 seed

It’s all confusing right now with the possibilities………..basically if teams take care of business, it should stay the way it is now….ugh, I think I have a headache after that

NPN League scenario

#1 Crunchers

#2 Richy

#3 Mock

#4 MT

#5 Shack

#6 Bastards

Still alive is Sassy, TJ and NU Red.  Sassy, I’m sorry girl, but you  have the lowest point total of the 7-8 teams, you’d have to outscore teams by 100 to get in, the longest shot to get in is Sassy.  TJ can get in with a win against Mock and a rascal or shack loss (and scoring more than Shack for the year) NU Red has it tough as well, he gets in with a win and a loss by rascal or shack and scoring more than TJ (if he wins)…….NU Red has it tough as well since he has the 2^nd lowest point total of the people left alive.

Crunchers is the #1 seed, nothing can change that.  Richy is probably the #2 seed, but could be the #3 seed if he loses and Mock wins.  MT could be the #5 seed if she loses and I win…but either way she is playing the 4/5 game.  Rascal could move to the #5 seed with a win and a loss by me.  NPN is a little less confusing b/c of the difference in point totals.  Basically TJ has the toughest road since has to win and hope that 2 other people lose and outscore me as well.

Anyway, on to the games

OM League 

Garcia (6-9) vs. Pezzy (8-7) 

Oh ye Garcia, how we hardly knew ye……and with a loss to Pez 111-100, Garcia is officiall eliminated from playoff contention.  One name makes this game….Algae Crumpler, Garcia plays Algae and he wins, hands down, easy, move on, game over, still alive for playoffs, but instead he goes with Heath Miller and Miller time does nada, nothing, bupkiss, zero, zilch…what I’m saying is D’OH, I didn’t start Crumpler….CRASH out goes the computer to the ground.  This was reminiscent of the 2002 draft when Broncos selected Coconut hands and Garica tossed his laptop.  MVP of this game goes to Larry Johnson with 26.  Can anyone stop Diaper boy from getting less than 25 points?  Pezzy hopes not as he continues to grind towards the playoffs.

Killer Goat Ropers (8-7) vs. Dr. Teeth (5-10) 

The goats have turned 78 Boston Redsoxish with his continued losing streak and the potential to not even make the playoffs now…d’oh!!!  He loses another one as the goats team fails to show up again 104-79.  Losing Corey Dillon and having Ashley Lelie as your starting WR have killed this team lately and now face the possibility of missing out on the playoffs after leading his division all year long, as Dick Enburg would say…oooooo my.  MVP of this game goes to Shockey…even though the refs can Shockey a TD that was not a TD, he still had 26 points and tore it up for the Teeth of Dorothy.  How Tom Brady did not have a good game against a sorry KC Chiefs pass defense is beyond me, but down go the goats, down go the goats.  Hopefully he doesn’t turn to the darkside and sell his own goat skull to the Satanists in retaliation to his team tanking it down the stretch.

Sin City Mob (12-3) vs. Evil Giversofhead (3-12) 

Let’s pause a minute and reflect on total evil…….sideburn is total evil, evil incarnate, and the dragon was slayed this year folks.  After selling his soul to the devil for his jersey last year, the devil took his due and gave Evil the worst team in the league for paybacks.  But sideburn does have scoreboard on most people, he does in fact have one ring while most of us don’t.  Mob easily wins this one 115-67 with the MVP going to Rudi Johnson with 26 points.  Sin City has a formidable lineup and will have the #1 seed throughout the playoffs and will be tough to beat, especially when you have the officials bought and paid for.  You can’t fight a mob boss without Sean Connery telling you how to do it so here goes, if he hits you with a stick, you get brass knuckles, he gets brass knuckles you get a billy club, he gets a billy club you get a knife, he gets a knife you get a gun, he gets a gun, you get a bigger gun. 

Philly (8-7) vs. Bman (11-4) 

soft ( )(sôft, s ft)

adj. soft·er, soft·est  Easily molded, cut, or worked.  Yielding readily to pressure or weight.  Out of condition; flabby.  Smooth or fine to the touch: a soft fabric.  Otherwise known as Bman’s team.  Break out the brooms folks, Philly made sure and beat up on the softest winningest team in the league AKA Bman.  Bman reminds me of the Colts in 1999, sure they have a winning record, but you punch them in the mouth and they pee in their panties and melt like soft butter, well that is what Philly did, he punched Bman in the mouth, kissed his wife and said…you like that???? In a 95-78 win.  MVP of this game goes to Joe Jurevicious with 28 points.  Philly was in a must win situation to keep his playoff hopes alive and sure enough Bman bent over like Darryl Hannah in clan of the cave bear and let Philly have his way with him.  Philly still needs to win one more week for him to keep his claim of Orangemane Fantasy god alive though…….Bman is the #4 seed regardless of what happens this week. 

REB (9-6) vs. our lovable losers (aka draft picks) (3-12) 

Apparently this disease of scoring below 50 must run in the family, one week after Delaware goes into the toilet bowl, REB joins her and gets thrashed by the worst team in the OM 104-43.  This was an ass kicking of epic proportions, this was a baleeee dat of 2005.  MVP of this game goes to Todd Heap with 23 points.  With everything to play for REB rolled over and showed his pink belly and commenced to peeing all over himself.  LT2 by himself almost outscored REB.  REB can redeem himself with a victory over Delaware this week.  It’s almost embarrassing that a division leader will give it up like a 15 year old crack whore, but hey, whatever floats your boat.  Props again to the draft pick squad, it’s always admirable not to give up even though the season has been over for awhile for him. 

Suto (8-7) vs. Delaware (8-7) 

A team that is rising from the dead like a zombie in Dawn of the Dead, Suto will just not go away, as evidenced earlier, he still has a shot for the playoffs and could knock off Delware with this win depending on what happens next week.  Suto wins in a barn burner 112-110.  MVP of this game goes to Shaun Alexander with 20 points.  There are some could’ve and should’ve for both teams, but suffice it to say, Suto had more points on his bench so anything Delaware could think of, Suto had a response for it.  Both teams have fought their hearts out this season and it comes down to the last game of the week for both teams.  Bring out yer dead, Bring out yer dead……….I’M NOT DEAD YET, I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK…….

NPN League

Crunch on my Munch (12-3) vs. Sassy (7-8) 

What can you say other than Crunch is on a roll and you can call him butta, b/c he just seems to slide right on through everyone……he is like poop through a goose, let’s see what other metaphors can I come up with that would state just how dominate Crunch has been?  I can’t even remember who he lost to last time and this week was no exception as Sassy went back to reality in a 124-98 loss to the best team in the league.  MVP of this game goes to Carson Palmer with 28 points.  I suggest Crunch rest all of his players next week, you don’t want to over work them do you?  I mean c’mon, tank one for Shack, please?  I’ll be forever in your debt, well, at least long enough to have Rascal give you a reach around.  Sassy put up a valiant effort with LT2 going off for her, but it just wasn’t enough as her playoffs hope just got a little bleaker.

MT (9-6) vs. Shack (8-7) 

Yeah sure I won 107-73, but when it comes to tie breakers, apparently I want to make it as close as possible, by sitting all of my big point players…hey I know, let’s start a backup QB instead of Aron Brooks or Kurt Warner, yeah, that sounds like a swell plan…hey I know, let’s start a WR who is so inconsistent you could call him SOB of 2002 instead of a running back.  Oh well, I still won, but it was a hollow victory as I could’ve scored over 140 points, but naaaaa, I like to make things hard.  MVP goes to LaMont Jordan with 25 points.  MT is sliding downhill faster than over-development in a California mudslide, but at least she is in the playoffs, but da Priest could be her downfall, or at least the lack of having da Priest.  Anything could happen though and as long as you make the playoffs, you have a chance. 

Mock (9-6) vs. Slobber (5-10) 

Mock apparently likes to make things interesting, he figures as long as rascal keeps losing, why bother in winning?  I mean, winning is over-rated as long as you can coast to the finish line.  Mock loses 92-52.  He goes from scoring a league high to a league low in 2 weeks time, of course those big huge outpouring of points, that usually happens.  So be ware to those who score over 140, you will indeed have a bad game the next week, the fantasy gods demand it.  Slobber can only think..aaaaa, what could have been, if only Jamal Lewis had tore it up like he just did…if only, iiifff only….papa can you hear mmeeeeee.  Apparently Slobber is Jewish and listens to Yentil as well.  Oh well, good win for slobber for pride, bad loss for Mock, but when you can lose and still win the division, it’s all good.

Bastardsonsofad’oh!! (7-8) vs. Taco (7-8) 

Ye fantasy gods demand retribution…and apparently they are taking it out on rascal’s big ass.  The famous last words of any fantasy owner are “well, I’m going to win the division, it’s just a matter of how high I finish”  Those words were uttered 3 weeks ago and I don’t believe Rascal has won a game since.  TJ has come back from the dead as well in this 130-104 victory.  Amazing how that happens when you actually play the players who are still playing and not hurt or on a bye eh?  MVP of this game goes to Algae Crumpler with 28 points.  Bastards still are in control of their own destiny, but nothing like backing into the playoffs to make you feel good about your team.  Remember, never get sucked into the vortex of suckitude by stating how good your team is when you are so close to .500, the fantasy gods have a cruel sense of irony or humor, depending on how you want to classify irony, either the real way or the Alanis Morriesette way. 

Ultra Sonic (6-9) vs. Evenrude fat asses (5-10) 

Ultra Sonic kept his very slim playoff hopes alive with a 110-79 victory over the hapless fat asses, who were obviously too stuffed from Turkey and pumpkin pie to put up much of a fight.  MVP of this game goes to Jeremy Shockey with 26 points.  I can’t even make a Nebraska joke this week, Callahan actually pulled his head out a little with a thrashing of the Buffaloes.  With Manning and Westbrook going off the same week, Ultra Sonic can only pause reflectively and think…aaaaaa what could have been. 

NU Red (7-8) vs. Richy Rich (9-6)

In the game of the week Richy Rich solidified his playoff spot with a division clinching 104-96 victory over the fighting Bill Callahans.  This game had everything you wanted, the victor scoring over 100 points, tight game, both players having players left on Monday night, what a nail biter.  MVP of this game goes to Todd Heap with 23 points.  The Bungles shutting it down by the 4^th qtr gave Richy the game, since Todd will never score that many points again this year.  These teams were separated by a point, but NU’s kicker gets negative points by missing an easy kick and Reggie Wayne only gets 6 points, so if NU’s kicker would’ve made 2 FGs and an extra point, he would’ve won……d’oh well, thems the fantasy breaks, NU still has a small shot of making the dance, but he has to win this week.  Richy is fighting for his #2 seed….fantasy man I love this game.  But I still say you are all a bunch of f’n hillbillies 

Ok folks, remember to submit your lineups and hopefully see you in the playoffs 

Shack