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League Articles |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Sat Aug 7 6:02:06 a.m. CT 2004 |
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| joe is havin a great camp!!! |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Fri Dec 26 7:06:57 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Congrats to Bill for winning another Faruco Football League championship. I thought Hans had it in the bag. I further thought Niemann would make it two in a row. I was wrong. Go Bill! |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Mon Dec 15 4:19:35 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| i knew i was in big trouble wyhen i was walking up the stairs to my apartment, where i heard 2 simple words come from my tv that i had left on... billy kilmer.... you gotta be kidding me... mike anderson... marcus robinson, and now aaron brooks..... second biggest day n the history of the franchise...lololol |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Sun Dec 7 7:03:15 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| its time to get scared.... written off all year 10-4 division champion 2 seed in the playoffs id rather be lucky than good blow me all.... i smell jewelry let the playoff shit talk begin |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Sun Dec 7 11:45:47 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| Huge and crucial! |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Thu Dec 4 1:39:42 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Jeff should be the coach of the year for realizing early on that his team was old and feeble, while quietly sticking most of the other Faruco coaches who gave them their 1st & 2nd round picks (Kim, Hans & Bill 1st Round, Matt & Chuck 2nd Round - 5 picks total and it could get better if Bill wins it all), placing him in a position to rebuild the dynasty quickly. Draft Day 2004 should be renamed Jeff Day 2004. He will probably take 5 minutes for each pick.
CU should look to hire Jeff as their Athletic Director. As for the next champion? Look at the matchups. It should be clear. |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Mon Dec 1 10:32:17 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| hultz is tryin to tank games for a better draft pick.... i would like an investigation |
| By Faruco Football League Commissioner on Tue Nov 25 11:58:57 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| Tumors have clinched the Jeremy Division. Mentors have clinched a home game in the playoffs. Can clinch Diggler division and home field advantage throughout the playoffs with a win and a Pie Eater loss. Pie Eaters have clinched a playoff berth. Can clinch a home game in the playoffs with a win. Tree Rats and Valkeryies have been eliminated from consideration for a Wildcard berth. Winner of the Week 14 showdown claims division crown regardless of what happens Week 13. Jerry's Kids, Sunshine Boys, Sea Weasels, Pirates, Jizz Burblers, Veggies, and Ground Chuck have been eliminated from playoff consideration. |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Sun Nov 23 6:39:29 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Worth repeating.
The phone rings. I answer. It is Shane calling to inform me how he is going $%@*!!*$ put my team to rest $%@*!!*$ $%@*!!*$ $%@*!!*$ . Two or three minutes later he informs me that he is about to make a block buster trade with Chuck that will help nail the coffin in my season and give him the talent he needs to win it all this year. He hangs up. A few minutes later the phone rings again. It is Shane and Chuck. Seems The Tumors have acquired Duante Culpepper for Tom Brady, David Carr, 1st Round Pick 2004, and 2nd Round Pick 2005. This is the great blockbuster trade that will end my season and give Shane a run at the Ionian Mentors. I laugh. This morning I get a call from Chad Johnson: "I told ya the Stormin' Tumors suck!" |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Sun Nov 23 1:16:51 a.m. CT 2003 |
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your welcome matt.... good riddence joe.. now shut up |
| By Mills County Vegetables on Sat Nov 22 6:06:12 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Anyone who thinks they could use Rice, Bettis, Conway or anyone else old and on my team, can have them for very little. 3rd, 4th round picks, I'll take 'um. Free agent points? Why not? Make me some offers, Jim |
| By Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers on Sat Nov 22 3:52:02 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| I will trade anyone except Shane Powers both Tommy Maddox, Pitt.QB AND Troy Brown, # 1 WR and punt returner for the 7 - 2 Pats for only a second round draft pick. First call to (541) 953 - 5194 gets the goods. P.S. Buffs 32, Univ. of Nebraska's Harry Huskers Jizz-Eaters, 20. Bank on it. Just count your blessings and be thankful we're not quite good enough to hang 62 on youre sorry faggotty-asses again. |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Wed Nov 19 3:29:57 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Happy Birthday! |
| By Faruco Football League Commissioner on Tue Nov 18 9:27:00 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Tumors have clinched the Jeremy Division. Mentors have clinched a playoff berth. Pie Eaters can clinch a playoff berth with a win or a loss by Jerry's Kids. Team that finishes 2nd in North Division(Tree Rats or Valkeryies) can clinch wildcard with 2 wins, 3 Pie Eater losses, and 3 Jerry's Kids wins. Jerry's Kids can clinch wildcard with 3 wins, 3 Pie Eater losses, and 2 losses by second place team in the North division(Tree Rats or Valkeryies). Sunshine Boys, Sea Weasels, Pirates, Jizz Burblers, Veggies, and Ground Chuck have been eliminated from playoff consideration. |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Tue Nov 18 2:14:23 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Chad Johnson guarantees a win over the Stormin' Tumors. |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Tue Nov 18 3:21:13 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| after this weeks game, against the valkyries, as coach of the tumors, i am exercizing my right to bench starters so they are fresh for the magical playoff run that will be happening this year.... i understand that it is probable that the monkeys in the commish's office will bring this to his attention... again, if fines are levied, it is obviously within the commish's rights to do so.... on a personal note, i fully expect this to happen, seeing as Commissioner Abel exploits every opportunity to wield his almost autocratic powers, to come down on the, i believe he called it "Black Eye franchise of the Faruco Football League". This is just further proof of the atrocities that are bestowed to the most charasmatic Franchise in leafgue history. Sir, we take your fine, and piss it back in your face...... Fuck You, and Fuck the rest of you. shane powers President and Warlord SSST |
| By Faruco Football League Commissioner on Sat Nov 15 1:22:55 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Tumors have clinched the Jeremy Division. Mentors have clinched a playoff berth. Pie Eaters can clinch a playoff berth with a win and a loss by Jerry's Kids. Jizz Burblers, Veggies, and Ground Chuck have been eliminated from playoff consideration. |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Fri Nov 14 10:05:00 a.m. CT 2003 |
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i love our league |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Wed Nov 12 6:03:23 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| the ticker scrolls a WEE bit too fast |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Wed Nov 12 6:02:35 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| bill abel is genious, and fuckin awesome!!!!! lololololololol |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Mon Nov 10 7:20:48 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| i want one of those cute little asterisks in front of my franchise denoting division winner.... fuckin now |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Wed Nov 5 8:35:33 p.m. CT 2003 |
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the next door neigbor evidently didnt wanna let jeff use the computer very long today.... that was just simply not very engaging |
| By Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers on Tue Nov 4 1:57:05 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| ...Just like the low expectation Sal franchise to crow about a playoff appearance prematurely. Perhaps after Mack Brown gets his long overdue "Recruiting National Championship" Trophy, Shane can finally get his "Best Team Never to Have Accomplished Jack Shit Except get Spanked by the Jizzies by 65 in Their One Miserable Playoff Apperance in Team History" Trophy. (After This Year, We Can Add "And then Lose in '03 in the first Round of The Playoffs to Hans, or Matt, or Bill, or Joe or any Other Of The Vastly More Talented Franchises Than Yours" Trophy Cheers... |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Tue Nov 4 3:12:22 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| kudos.... that was a big win on sun.... valkyries are runnin for their shithole in shame |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Tue Nov 4 3:09:44 a.m. CT 2003 |
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someone break open a record book.... i may be the earliest clinch for a playoff berth after this week...... the whole league can suck it and get it ready... someone needs to get to burblin |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Mon Oct 27 4:03:23 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| For the record.....
1998 Playoffs Fightin' Pie Eaters scored 89 points against the Mills County Vegetables 182 points. Screamin' Amish scored 120 points against the 87 points scored by the Chicken McNiksacks 1998 Faruco Bowl I Screamin' Amish (Mr. X) squeaked by the Mills County Vegetables 119 - 100. The Mills County Vegetables played in the first Faruco Bowl! 1999 Playoffs Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 140 at Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors 85. Sorry Sal's one playoff appearance. KC and The Sunshine Boys 107 at Phunk Munkees 116. 1999 Faruco Bowl II Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 132.00 at Phunk Munkees 111. 2000 Playoffs Ionian Mentors 116 at Fightin' Pie Eaters 192. Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 146 at Apocalyptic Valkeryies 139. 2000 Faruco Bowl III Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 102 at Fightin' Pie Eaters 193. 2001 Playoffs Fightin' Pie Eaters 117 at KC and The Sunshine Boys 98. Apocalyptic Valkeryies 84 at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 148 2001 Faruco Bowl IV Fightin' Pie Eaters 53 at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 71. 2002 Playoffs KC and The Sunshine Boys 162 at Battlin' Tree Rats 168. Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 140 at Jerry's Kids 93. 2002 Faruco Bowl V Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 87. at Battlin' Tree Rats 218. 2003 Playoffs Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors at Ionian Mentors Apocalyptic Valkeryies at Fightin' Pie Eaters 2003 Faruco Bowl VI Valkeryies at Ionian Mentors |
| By Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers on Sun Oct 26 10:55:24 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| To the Papio Pirats: My humble apologies for my mistake. When I called you in fact, and told you the players on my team, I had completely forgotton that I had to cut DT that week to pick up a D for my bye week. Murphy's law being what it is, you liked the one guy I mentioned that I didn't actually have, and off we go. With such spite in your Pi-rat heart for the Jizzie franchise, you'll get a chuckle out of learning here I called Bill with my bid for Josh Reed. - the 120 pts. I thought I had from our trade. Bill gets Josh Reed, you get pissed and I look like an ass for "trading" someone I did'nt have. (I didn't have my "team" in front of me either, obviously) That being said, thanks for the chuckle about the "vast burbellor-wing conspiracy" to fleece you out of FA pts. No deception at all, Pi-Rat GM. Just a simple mistake. HHJB PS.- Good one about the job I need to get. Once again, I see you're fully informed as usual. |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Sun Oct 26 6:35:19 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| its a good thing you have time to be clever and witty, and give me a chuckle.... now with that apparent extra time you have, get a fuckin job |
| By Papio Pirates on Sat Oct 25 12:49:41 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| I have informed Bill that I am Voiding the trade we made last night. I thought I'd be fair to you. As much as you say that you don't use the Internet, you sure have been on it alot lately. As an FYI you, I will no longer accept any trade offers from you. You are a devious (I don't mean that you are not good owner) and deceptive person. Knowing full well I had no idea who was on your team you tried to take advantage of me as a person. Sorry Charlie, I won't leave it up to chance anymore. I'd rather spend my free agent points on myself. So good luck to you and your team and in addition....GO FUCK YOURSELF!! Tim Smith Black Pirates |
| By Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers on Sat Oct 25 3:15:41 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| "I woulda' won this if it wasn't for this guy or that guy, and then the NEXT year see, it was this OTHER guy, and then the NEXT YEAR it was THIS OTHER GUY!!!!!!!.... GODDAMN, CAN'T THE BEST COACH IN THE LEAGUE EVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK????" ...on an on like a syphlitic prom queen. Amazing, how ever year it's always happening. See a pattern developing yet? Oh and, I know Al Davis. I grew up with Al Davis, and you Shane Powers, are no Al Davis. You see, Al Davis has Hardware (Unlike you) Al Davis also makes the playoffs sometimes. (unlike you) You, Shane Powers, are not the Al Davis of the FF. You are the Cincinnati Bengals of the FFL. Cincinnati Bengals Front Office — ADMINISTRATION — President Shane Powers Executive Vice President Shane Powers Vice President John Sawyer/Shane Powers Business Development Troy Blackburn /Shane Powers Business Manager Bill Connelly/Shane Powers Chief Financial Officer Bill Scanlon/Shane Powers Controller Johanna Kappner/Shane Powers Director of Technology Jo Ann Ralstin /Shane Powers Bengals.com Editor Geoff Hobson/Shane Powers Director of Player Relations Eric Ball/Shane Powers Administration Assistant Jan Sutton /Shane Powers Business Assistant Terri Stewart /Shane Powers Receptionist Teri Moratschek/Shane Powers — PLAYER PERSONNEL — Senior Vice President Pete Brown/Shane Powers Vice President - Player Personnel Paul Brown/Shane Powers Director of Football Operations Jim Lippincott /Shane Powers Director of Player Personnel Duke Tobin/Shane Powers Scout John Garrett/Shane Powers Scouting Consultants John Cooper/Shane Powers Bill Tobin/Shane Powers Personnel Assistant Debbie LaRocco/Shane Powers — PUBLIC RELATIONS — Public Relations Director Jack Brennan/Shane Powers Assistant Public Relations Director PJ Combs/Shane Powers Public Relations Assistant Inky Moor/Shane Powers — SALES — Director of Sales and Public Affairs Jeff Berding/Shane Powers Director of Corporate Sales and Marketing Vince Cicero/Shane Powers Ticket Manager Tim Kelly/Shane Powers Senior Corporate Sales Managers Joe Fisher, Brian Sells, Shane Powers Corporate Sales Coordinator Jamie Solomon/Shane Powers Premium Seating Sales Executive Nick Nicastro/Shane Powers Premium Seating Sales Coordinator Andy Spence /Shane Powers Director of Ticket Sales Kevin Lane /ShanePowers Ticket Sales Executives Trey Ely, Jeremy Furniss, Andrew Squibb & Shane Powers Merchandise Manager Monty Montague /Shane Powers Pro Shop Ron Runk, Steve Wolf & Shane Powers Ticket Office Sallie Huston, Bev Schmidt, Jason Williams &Shane Powers — FOOTBALL OPERATIONS — Athletic Trainer Paul Sparling /Shane Powers Assistant Athletic Trainer Billy Brooks, Brian Dykhuizen & Shane Powers Equipment Manager Rob Recker/Shane Powers Assistant Equipment Manager Jeff Brickner/Shane Powers Video Director Travis Brammer/Shane Powers Assistant Video Director Kent Stearman/Shane Powers — PAUL BROWN STADIUM — Managing Director Eric Brown/Shane Powers JungleVision Producer Scott Simpson /Shane Powers Events Coordinator Ellen Ritter/Shane Powers Copyright ©1999-2003 Cincinnati Bengals, Inc. All Rights Reserved. [Legal Notice] |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Fri Oct 24 5:46:09 p.m. CT 2003 |
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By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors On Fri Oct 24 5:33:18 p.m. CDT 2003 [Edit] [Reply] you whiny faggots....... this league has roles to fill... i fill my role as villain, al davis salamander owner, better than any of you cunts fill your roles.... the only other real role in this league that is filled well is jeff, and because of his new trip this week he's not allowed to touch a computer anymore.... if wayne got his feelings hurt, too fuckin bad.....its called fantasy football..... its FANTASTIC.... not real.... the idea that i have to explain to Wayne right now, that i think he is a good guy, and have never had issue with him is so stupid...... WAYNE ITS NOT PERSONAL!!!!!! ask the guys that have known me well into 15 years now..... im FUCKING AROUND WITH YOU!!!!!!!! jeeesususususususus christ....... now go change your fuckin period bag and reingage you fuckin mutt...... you are tyhe doormat to a great fantasy league... one of the best leagues ive ever seen..... So being "THE DOORMAT" to a great league isnt that bad..... i consider you a bye week.... and listen RAT.. you got a bunch of garbage rings early on, when your deaf and blind weirdo friends had franchises.... luck has a bunch to do with winning cunt... i had the TOP TI BOTTOM BEST TEAM ON PAPER TWO YEARS IN A ROW in the late 90's and didnt get a bounce...... so pour yourself another broke mans POPOV 4dollar quart of rubbing vodka, and quit turning my league, YES MY LEAGUE, into 24hour group, you fuckin woman...... i dont give a fuck about any of your feelings..... your all losers -- Tumor Pride |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Thu Oct 23 11:47:17 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Sunday, October 19, 2003
Associated Press Papio Pirates officials will study videotape and photographs to identify rowdy football fans who ignored pre-game pleas and set fires in the streets, trailer courts and projects, to celebrate the Pirates upset of the Valkeryies this past weekend. "If there are fans in the pictures, and I'm sure there will be, they'll be hearing from our corporate office and will be disciplined accordingly," Pirate spokesperson Mark Brumbaugh said Thursday. At least a dozen of approximately 90 fires set early Monday were described as "sizable" by Mongolian County emergency officials. No one was seriously injured and structural damage was confined to a few porches and trailer courts, said Sgt. David Soul of the Papio Police Department. "It's definitely out of hand," Soul said. "We just can't continue like this every time the Papio Pirates win a game. Part of the problem is the small area between trailers, they through their garbage and shit out, pour on a can of gasoline and the next thing you know, you got a bunch of toothless folks running around in their underwear." Officials activated an emergency operations center for about 2½ hours early Monday and considered cutting off power to Papio Stadium neighborhood, where many fans live in a shanty town of Papio Pirate Poncho Lean-To's around the complex. "Some of the fires are large enough to get into the power lines, and we're running a big risk of active lines shorting and dropping into the trailers and streets," said Larry King, public information officer for the Papio county's Office of Emergency Management. Inside the stadium, police used pepper spray on fans who tried to tear down the goal posts after the Papio Pirates' victory. State Police and dozens of yellow-shirted security personnel surrounded the goal posts and kept fans at bay. Brad Anderson said he was hit by the pepper spray when he ran down onto the field. "We can't breathe. We're hacking up our lungs, but it was worth it, cause we really suck," Anderson said. Fans retaliated by dropping their pants, shitting into their hands and throwing it at the security officials. After the Papio Pirates won coach Tim Smith pleaded with fans over the public address system to not throw shit on each other in celebration of the win. Outside the stadium, an unknown number of police and fire officers were struck with rocks, bottles and human feces, but all were treated and released from hospitals and no serious injuries were reported, Brumbaugh said. One Papio fan was charged with battery after punching an officer and squatting on him and defacating, who was trying to take a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 away from him, Brumbaugh said. About 20 other people were arrested on charges of setting fires, pissing on each other, crapping in public, fellatio, sodomy, disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Brumbaugh could not identify the fans or give an exact number of arrests because police reports were still incomplete. At one point there were about 5,000 fans on Papio Avenue, throwing shit at each other. "It's as bad as we feared it would be," Sgt. David Soul said. "We're as prepared as we could have been, and we're utilizing every resource we have." "I saw people burning couches, mattresses, recliners, and shitting on one another" said fan Scott Barnhard. Fire and police officials had spent two days before the game removing garbage and couches from citizens' front porches and trailers. This week Coach Smith left recorded messages on fans' answering machines, taped a video message shown on the stadium's scoreboard and made other requests through the media, imploring fans to act responsibly and not throw shit at their neighbor. |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Wed Oct 22 10:42:24 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death
Speech given in the Virginia House of Burgesses March 23, 1775 No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the house. But different men often see the same subject in different lights; and, therefore, I hope it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen if, entertaining as I do opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, I shall speak forth my sentiments freely and without reserve. This is no time for ceremony. The question before the house is one of awful moment to this country. For my own part, I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or slavery; and in proportion to the magnitude of the subject ought to be the freedom of the debate. It is only in this way that we can hope to arrive at the truth, and fulfill the great responsibility which we hold to God and our country. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of disloyalty toward the Majesty of Heaven, which I revere above all earthly kings. Mr. President, it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the numbers of those who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth, to know the worst, and to provide for it. I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the House. Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation; the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlement assign any other possible motive for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies? No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us: they can be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer upon the subject? Nothing. We have held the subject up in every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain. Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves. Sir, we have done everything that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne! In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free--if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending--if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained--we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight! An appeal to arms and to the God of hosts is all that is left us! They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength but irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable--and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come. It is in vain, sir, to extentuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace--but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Sun Oct 19 6:11:01 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| you have an awful team as well dude |
| By Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors on Thu Oct 16 2:05:12 a.m. CT 2003 |
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| In defense of my frannie, i had the best overall team by far two years in a row, and was beaten by a rookie named mike anderson one year, who had an average 67 point day, and the next year by another seasoned rook Marcus Robinson, who posted a 64 point day... both in the playoffs the week i played the burblers... (by the way, on my order, ali larter grinded on marcus robinson at a club one night, to try and remove this curse... true story.... its the end of a nasty burbler run.... one that shall not be repeated.... early league history has been written, and yes the burblers were a dominant team in our fledgling league.. end of an era.... get lost... pl4ease allow me to pour the crisco, so you can fire up that fruitwagon, and honk your way outta town... |
| By Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers on Wed Oct 15 11:23:30 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| Due to the fact that my current team licks the underside of Don Zimmer’s senile & sweaty nutsack, (one word?) the front office of Harry Husker’s Jizz Burbellors (specifically GM Sal Aunese, the 14 year old, 40 lb. cat running this franchise) has given the order to “build for the future.” (In case you’re wondering, it was a series of sharp “meows” near an empty food dish loosely interpreted by Coach Hults to mean a team that can’t put up even 75 pts. to win is a team that needs to pack it in,) thus ending perhaps the most dominating run in Faruco League history. Four consecutive Faruco Bowls (’99 - current) and two Biscuits (’99 ,01). Over. Thus, the following SUPERSTARS can be had (think ’98 Bulls, ‘99 Marlins, ’02 Ravens post-party fire sale) to help YOU win the Biscuit NOW! AT NO COST TO YOU THIS YEAR!!!! Special “Shane” price reflects his cost for the same players, due mostly to the fact Shane has been a colossal prick to Bill and me throughout his spastic, turrets-laden yet strangely comical cellar-dwelling Flipper Anderson-ian existence as FFL GM. (0’fer however many years he’s been around. 0’fer the friggen’ PLAYOFFS even, forget about games for the biscuit, not even a playoff sniff in x number of years, OUCH!!!!!!!!!) In any case, here’s who’s on the block for what…… QB’s Brett Favre…6”2, 225. 34. 14yr in NFL. ( Southern Miss) …………for... ………………………………your # 2 pick in ’04, + future considerations* (Special Shane price…….……... # 1 pick in ’04 + future considerations*) Hasn’t missed a game since when Bill was mainlining “Maverick Sauce” and Scott French was kicking everyone’s ass in verbal chicken at “UNO”. (Was French even enrolled? Or did he just hang out?) Currently the # 9 rated QB in the FFL. Top 12 in QB pts. in FFL EVERY YEAR since league inception, 11 years and counting. Has QB’d the Jizzies to 5 Faruco Bowls, winning three. All time FFL points leader. # 4 overall pick in original “Dynasty League” draft. And most importantly, during the weeks you need him, (weeks 13, 14 AND 15/16) he plays the following $hitbags…………………………… 13 = at Detroit. Detroit. Nuff said 14 = H vs. Chicago. 3 TD’s AT Chi. 2 weeks ago. Nuff said. 15 = at San Diego. Week one of the playoffs, and you’re starting Brett in sunny, pass perfect weather against THE WORST PASS D IN FOOTBALL!!!!! 16 = FARUCO BOWL at Oakland, on Monday Night Football. How shitty is Oakland? No doubt Green Bay will be fighting for a playoff berth until the very end as well, insuring Brett will be a slingin’ away. All this can be yours, for a second round pick next year and future considerations*.” (Unless you’re Shane, in which case it will only cost you your first round pick and future considerations*. ) RB’s Fred Taylor…(6”1, 235. 27. 7 yrs. in NFL. (Florida)…………………… for... ………………………………your # 2 pick in ’04, + future considerations* (Special Shane price……………………………………………………………. ……………………… # 1 pick in ’04, # 3 pick in ‘04+ future considerations* The emergence of fellow Jaguar & Jizzy Byron Leftwich, the Jizzy QB of the future, has created a “team overload” situation and thus Fred is available. Fred is only 27 in just his 6th year in the NFL but after factoring in games missed due to injuries earlier in his career, Fred’s really only played the equivalent of about four full years in the NFL. Not even 28 yet, and certainly years away from being old and washed up like Marshal Faulk. (11 hard years of wear & tear. Ouch!) After single-handedly landing the mysterious “Mr. X” a Biscuit in the first year of head to head competition, Fred spent an oft-injured four years under coach Ketchum. Taken 5th overall in the Dynasty draft, (Just after Brett Favre) he promptly lead the Veggie franchise to obscurity. Right about the time Fred stopped grabbing his balls and falling to the ground mysteriously, he was traded to the Jizzies by a frustrated Coach Ketchum and has been injury-free for two years now, finishing last year as the # 11 back in the FFL and ranked # 11 this year. A consensus top 12 back when healthy, he is, and therefore, he is. Fred will no doubt be feasting again during your pivotal run stretch run, drawing Houston at home in week 14, at NE in week 15 and FARUCO BOWL week Fred will run roughshod at home vs a pathetic NO Saints bunch. Add him to your team NOW, all for just ………your # 1 in ’04 and future considerations* (Unless you’re Shane, in which case it will only cost you your # 1 in ’04 and your # 3 pick in ’04 as well as future considerations*.) Tiki Barber…(5”10, 200…Virginia).. # 1 in ’04 and future considerations* Shane price……( # 1 pick in ’04, # 3 pick in ‘04 + future considerations*) “The Tiki Torch” is 28 yrs. old in his seventh season in the NFL, although for the first 5 “Lightning” platooned with that fat sack of crap Ron Dayne, “Thunder.” More like a fart, as Tiki has emerged as the ONLY stud top 10 back in Jersey. (For years to come. Sorry Kimmee, but Curtis Martin is done. “Kimmee,” of course, short for Coach Craig of the franchise formerly known as “CAK’s Ute Bruisers,” Yikes! - two Scott French references in a single letter.) Anyway, Tiki finished last year in the NFL with 11 TD’s and 1,987 total yards, and was the # 8 back in the FFL. He’s currently the # 9 rated back this year. All that in a Giant offense that’s “struggling.” The G-men ‘O’ will pick it up this year and Tiki’s #’s promise to go up with them as they finish this year also fighting for the playoffs with the likes of home games against crappy Buffalo and Washington followed by @ crappy NO Saints (wk 15) and FARUCO BOWL week Tiki will kick Dallas’ a$$ like last year. Add him for your stretch run NOW, all for just a ……………………… # 1 in ’04 and future considerations* (Unless you’re Shane, in which case it will only cost you your # 1 in ’04 and your # 3 pick in ’04 as well as future considerations*.) Also available for bargain basement prices are……………………… RB’s Stacey Mack & Robert Holcombe and WR Troy Brown (Unless of course you’re Shane, in which case they can all be had for not quite bargain basement prices.) *FUTURE CONSIDERATIONS Future Considerations works as follows. You “protect” 16 of your players at the end of this year, leaving approx. 9 players “unprotected.” I then choose someone off your unprotected list a month prior to the ’04 draft/auction to complete the trade. The protected list breaks down… Any 2 QB’s Any 3 RB’s Any 5 WR’s Any 2 K Any 2 SS Any 2 Def Unless, of course, you’re Shane. Shane is allowed to protect “Tom Mees” SS Tampa Bay, and of course Marshall Faulk. That is his protected list. This concludes my league wide trade offer. As I visit the Internet thrice yearly, I will accept trades only via my phone # rather than Al Gore’s piece of $hit invention, first to call gets the goods. My # is (541) 953 - 5194. And if those of you in need of top 10 QB’s or RB’s fail to pick up one, right here and now at ZERO cost to your team this year, then for you I wish a healthy dose of Brett, Tiki or Fred right in your a$$ come championship time, preferably from the person who did trade for one of these SUPERSTARS to help their team win a FFL Biscuit. All you no trading motherfu*&ers deserve to spend eternity picking dingleberries out of your teeth and scuffling for the balls to pull the trigger. -----“See pi-rats”. Sincerely, Coach Hults P.S. Watch out, Baylor’s tough this year. (Insert spit take here) |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Sat Sep 27 10:28:49 p.m. CT 2003 | ||
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KC & The Sunshine Boys at Fightin' Pie Eaters Last Year: Game 1: Fightin' Pie Eaters (112.00) at KC and The Sunshine Boys ( 74.00) & Game 2: KC and The Sunshine Boys (128.00) at Fightin' Pie Eaters (159.00) Fightin' Pie Eaters won both division games last year. With the Ionian Mentors undefeated and finally playing to the level of their projected talent, this game potentially has wild card implications for both teams. Peerless Price for a #1? We will see when Vick gets back. Fightin' Pie Eaters win on the legs of Ahman Green. Sea Weasels at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Last Year: Game 1: Sea Weasels ( 96.00) at Apocalyptic Valkeryies (148.00) & Game 2: Apocalyptic Valkeryies (137.00) at Sea Weasels ( 64.00) Apocalyptic Valkeryies need a win. Sea Weasels need a win. Valkeryies have dominated the series in recent years, winning both games last year. The domination will continue with a win for the Valkeryies. Jerry's Kids at Papio Pirates Last Year: Jerry's Kids ( 72.00) at Papio Pirates (138.00) Both teams 1-2 and need of a win. Ionian Mentors at Battlin' Tree Rats Last Year: Ionian Mentors (151.00) at Battlin' Tree Rats (204.00) Can the Ionian Mentors go 4-0? How good is this team? Playing the defending Faruco Football League champions will further illuminate just how good the Mentors are in 2003, or just how mediocre the Tree Rats might be. Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers at Mills County Vegetables Last Year: Game 1: Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers (124.00) at Mills County Vegetables (119.00) & Game 2: Mills County Vegetables (104.00) at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers(127.00) Jizz Burblers, with an unusual lineup, win on the road. Yikes! Just kidding, Vegetables win one. Ground Chuck at Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors Last Year: Game 1: Ground Chuck (123.00) at Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors (101.00) & Game 2: Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors (137.00) at Ground Chuck ( 88.00) Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors coming off a loss to Ionian Mentors and ailing. Lose to Ground Chuck. 2003 Predictions Record 11-7 |
| By Papio Pirates on Wed Sep 24 9:50:26 p.m. CT 2003 |
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| SEPTEMBER 24, 2003 HELIUM TIMES EXTRA Pirates Folly at Sunshine Boys The once 1-0 Barsoomian Black Pirates have dropped the last two games. Last Sunday’s defeat was especially humiliating. “Coach Craig’s team just out played us. What the hell else do ya want me to say!?” said Coach Smith. When asked what would turn things around, Smith replied “ What are you asking? What will pump up the anemic offense, I don’t have a clue. Maybe if we could convince Jamal Anderson to come out of retirement we could take some of pressure off of Steve. He can’t carry us all year. Perhaps if our defense scored on turnovers. Rookies and second year guys need to step up too, I mean come on, Joe Horn has been a consistent producer for the team the last few years…but 5 yards!!!” As the GM for the Screamin’ Amish, Smith drafted brilliantly, despite having a brain tumor on draft day. However, since taking over the Pirates franchise, a number of unproductive draft picks, errant trades and an enormous amount of untimely injuries have plagued the team. The general consensus is the Coach Smith never should have had the tumor removed. You remember what happened to Dale Murphy. Many here in greater Helium have become frustrated with the Pirates and Coach Smith better watch his back if this slide continues. This writer thinks times will be tough for the rest of the year if this team doesn’t pick it up. Certainly this team has the talent to win; the question is does it have the heart? |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Sun Sep 21 2:23:08 a.m. CT 2003 | ||
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Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors at Ionian Mentors Last Year: Week 11 - Ionian Mentors (134.00) at Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors ( 62.00) The only remaining unbeatens. One will win. One will lose. On this particular day it will be Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors falling to the Mentors. Fightin' Pie Eaters at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Last Year: Week 12 - Apocalyptic Valkeryies (147.00) at Fightin' Pie Eaters (114.00) Valkeryies look to rebound from a Week 2 loss to the Mentors. Pie Eaters coming off a huge win over the Tree Rats. Valkeryies will dominate at home. Battlin' Tree Rats at Ground Chuck Last Year: Week 5 - Battlin' Tree Rats (205.00) at Ground Chuck (113.00) Defending champions off to a slow start. Ground Chuck still a season or two away from potential domination. Tree Rats will explode in Week 3. Sea Weasels at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers Last Year: Week 3 - Sea Weasels ( 55.00) at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers (173.00) The Sea Weasels... Week 1 showed the future. Week 2 showed the present. Week 3 will show more of the present situation. Jizz Burblers win at home. Papio Pirates at KC & The Sunshine Boys Last Year: Week 4 - KC and The Sunshine Boys ( 96.00) at Papio Pirates ( 55.00) Sunshine Boys win a close one on the road with special teams giving the Papio Pirates reason to visit Coach Craig on Tuesday morning to say "welcome back to work and congratulations." Jerry's Kids at Mills County Vegetables Last Year: Week 3 - Mills County Vegetables ( 46.00) at Jerry's Kids ( 95.00) An easy win for Jerry's Kids. 2003 Predictions Record 6-6 |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Fri Sep 19 11:42:47 p.m. CT 2003 | ||
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Week 3: Fightin' Pie Eaters at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Diamond David Lee Roth will perform during halftime when the the Fightin' Pie Eaters play the Apocalyptic Valkeryies. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 4: Sea Weasels at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: The Fabulous Poodles will perform at halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 6: Battlin' Tree Rats at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Black Sabbath will perform during halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 8: Ground Chuck at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Belle & Sebastian will perform during halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 11: KC & The Sunshine Boys at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Starbuck will perform at halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 12: Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Mother Tongue will perform at halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsors: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade Week 13: Papio Pirates at Apocalyptic Valkeryies Halftime Entertainment: Black Oak Arkansas will perform at halftime. The game starts at 12:00 PM EST. Sponsosrs: SETI@home | Cuervo.com & Mike's Hard Lemonade |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Fri Sep 12 10:30:05 p.m. CT 2003 | ||
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Last Year: Week 2 - Apocalyptic Valkeryies (156.00) at Ionian Mentors (141.00) These two teams met in Week 2 of 2002 with the Valkeryies winning a close one on the road. The Valkeryies will win again in 2003 in another close contest. In other Valkeryie news, David Lee Roth will perform at halftime during next weeks home opener against the Fightin' Pie Eaters. The Valkeryies are looking to sign Roth to a long-term entertainment contract. Battlin' Tree Rats 1-0 at Fightin' Pie Eaters 0-1 Last Year: Week 11 - Fightin' Pie Eaters (153.00) at Battlin' Tree Rats (171.00). Battlin' Tree Rats return to 2002 form and crush the Fightin' Pie Eaters at home. Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers 0-1 at Papio Pirates 1-0 Last Year: Week 2 - Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers (151.00) at Papio Pirates ( 84.00) Papio Pirates will be too much for the Burblers in 2003. Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors 1-0 at Sea Weasels 1-0 Last Year: Week 12 - Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors (100.00) at Sea Weasels ( 66.00) Can the Sea Weasels win two in a row? Maybe. Maybe next year. Stormin' Tumors will start the season 2-0 with a road win over the Weasels and become the early favorite to win the Ron Jeremy division. Mills County Vegetables 0-1 at KC & The Sunshine Boys 0-1 Last Year: Week 11 - Mills County Vegetables (122.00) at KC and The Sunshine Boys (126.00) KC & The Sunshine Boys bounce back from an extremely depressing opener with a win at home against the Mills County Vegetables. Ground Chuck 0-1 at Jerry's Kids 0-1 Last Year: Week 9 - Jerry's Kids ( 91.00) at Ground Chuck ( 37.00) Jerry's Kids win at home. 2003 Predictions Record 3-3 |
| By Apocalyptic Valkeryies on Tue Sep 2 11:27:10 p.m. CT 2003 | ||
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Last Year: Week 5 - Fightin' Pie Eaters (121.00) at Sorry Sal's Stormin' Tumors (121.00) Fightin' Pie Eaters open the season with a win over the Stormin' Tumors. Apocalyptic Valkeryies at Jerry's Kids Last Year: Week 4 - Jerry's Kids (130.00) at Apocalyptic Valkeryies (109.00) Valkeryies open the season with a win over Jerry's Kids. Mills County Vegetables at Battlin' Tree Rats Last Year: Week 12 - Mills County Vegetables (139.00) at Battlin' Tree Rats (110.00) Battlin' Tree Rats open the season with a win over the Vegetables. Papio Pirates at Ground Chuck Last Year: Week 12 - Ground Chuck (113.00) at Papio Pirates ( 91.00) Papio Pirates open the season with a win over Ground Chuck. KC & The Sunshine Boys at Sea Weasels Last Year: Week 7 - Sea Weasels ( 79.00) at KC and The Sunshine Boys ( 98.00) Sunshine Boys open the season with a win over the Sea Weasels. Ionian Mentors at Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers Last Year: Week 12 - Harry Husker's Jizz Burblers (144.00) at Ionian Mentors (106.00) Jizz Burblers open the season with a win over the Mentors. |
