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Offsides Fantasy Football League |
| We've Upgraded To 2004! |
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| This is our 2003 league home page. Our 2004 league home page has been set up at http://football.myfantasyleague.com/2004/home/12011 - go there now to check it out! |
JEFF WESLEY AND "CHUCKERS"
And Congratulations to all our winners:
Ross Conference Champ: Mike Fera "Blood Drive"
The Ultimate Survivor: Scott Kenney "Fear This"
Skins: Zarin Roat "Freakshow"
and, of course, Toilet Bowl IV: Matt Fera "Wide Receders"
| Week 16 |
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The Matchup is set....no more rookies...no more #1 seeds....it's Chuckers versus Blood Drive. Chuckers entered the playoffs as the #4 seed, even though he held the second highest point total in the regular season, and proved his worth by shutting down Dislocators and Ghost Riders to make his first Fantasy Bowl appearance with a 10-5 record. Chuckers is powered by a high powered running game, the leagues' premiere Tight End and a set of QB's in Green and a revitalized McNabb that can rack up the points. It's rumored that owner Jeff Wesley has taken the secretly formulated Moose Juice from his successful hockey franchise, the Moose Jaw Moose, and added it to the team water bottles. Blood Drive is consistently the OFFL's star team, averaging more then 9 wins a season and is the title holder of the inaugural Fantasy Bowl. Making his second consecutive FB appearance and third in franchise history, Blood Drive hopes to be the first repeat champion in the OFFL. They already hold the dinstinction of most playoff wins in league history as well as the overall high score, set just two weeks ago destroying the old point total and knocking out a peaking Fear This team. After ending the rookie dreams of Da Cocks, Blood Drive enters FB VIII with a 11-4 record. These two teams are evenly matched when healthy. Chuckers is a 10 point favorite, but both teams can post phenomenal scores. Note that I said healthy....Blood Drive has had the explosive Clinton Portis as the powerhouse of his team...but after an ankle sprain in week 15 his status is questionable....and being that backup #1 Michael Bennett was inactive in week 15 that leaves the RB picture for Blood Drive in limbo....but it is still early in the week. BREAKING IT DOWN.... Being that it's more a "what have you done for me lately" thing in fantasy football I'll take a look at the matchup with an eye on the last 3 weeks or so....in the long run of the entire season Chuckers is favored by 10 pts...but, look at the last 3 weeks...granted, Chuckers has put up great numbers averaging 125 points a week. Blood Drive has averaged 136.3 pts per week in that time...just a fluke?...or should the 10 points be swung the other way? Here we go position by position: QUARTERBACK: Chuckers--Trent Green and Donovan McNabb....Green has averaged 24.3 pts over the last 3 weeks...McNabb 18...Green likely to get the start facing an up and down Vikings team. Blood Drive--Jeff "Hello Boys" Garcia...hot, hot, hot...(and that's not even in drag)...averaging 26.7 pts over the last 3 and an amazing 42 over the last 2 weeks...he's the hot hand...ADVANTAGE BLOOD DRIVE RUNNING BACK: Chuckers--Priest "John" Holmes, Ricky "Don't lose my number" Williams....Holmes averages 26.7 and Williams 11.7...Priest is the #1 RB in the league...top that Blood Drive--Clinton Portis and Ricky W (see above)...if Portis were healthy his 36.7 point average WOULD top Holmes...but he is a big ???....possibly an even matchup, but ADVANTAGE CHUCKERS...both share Ricky Williams so that is a wash. WIDE RECEDER: Chuckers--Darrell "Neverland" Jackson, Santana "Black Magic" Moss and Peter "Shoehorn" Warrick....Jackson and Warrick are riding hot streaks...Moss had one mid-season...as a group averaing 31 points per week Blood Drive--Terrell "Shake your Pom Pon's" Owens, Koren "Mister" Robinson, (these bad jokes really should stop), and "Top" Jimmy Smith...the Garcia to Owens connections is blowing things up...Robinson sacrificing balls to Jackson...Jimmy has been consistently very good again...over three weeks this group averages 32.3 pts...very even with Chuckers...but over the last 2 with T.O. tearing it up...SLIGHT ADVANTAGE BLOOD DRIVE TIGHT END: Chuckers--Gonzalez...Blood Drive--Heap...lots of potential for Heap but Gonzo and KC are smokin...Gozo averaging 14/week to Heaps 6.3....ADVANTAGE CHUCKERS KICKER: Chuckers--Wilkins....Blood Drive--Stover...Wilkins is on high scoring St. Louis and is averaging slightly more then Stover 12 to 9.7 per week...maybe a push?...SLIGHT ADVANTAGE CHUCKERS DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS: Chuckers--Ravens....Blood Drive--Dolphins....this is EVEN So....overall...hmmm...if I gave 2 points per player at the QB, RB and WR position and 1 each for the others...I would have to score it 7.5 for Chuckers and 7.5 for Blood Drive...I can't call this one...I think this will be our best Fantasy Bowl since Fear This benched Marshall Faulk on Monday night in 2000 against Stogies (who also had Faulk) and still pulled out a 6 point win in FB V...high scoring and close.....it's a toss up! Let the league know what your opinion is on this matchup...post it in the message board....This is it! |
Go to this web page to view the entire history of the league--all teams, regular season, playoff and total franchise records and playoff appearances--through the 2003 regular season
Here are the available keepers for the 2004 draft....this is optional to keep one player at a draft pick two rounds higher then drafted the previous year from the 5th round or lower.
Team..................Immunity.......Survivor.........Skins..............Div Title.....FBVIII.......Total
Freakshow..............$5.................................$120..................$10........................$135
Chuckers...............$20................$10............$10................................$365..........$405
Blood Drive............$10..........................................................$10........$50............$70
Dislocators..............$5..........................................................$10.........................$15
Panty Sniffers........................................................................$10.........................$10
Ghost Riders..........$10........................................................................................$10
Da Cocks................$5...........................................................................................$5
Fear This.................$5...............$100.................................................................$105
.................FONTES.............................................ROSS
1. yz-Dislocators (11-2) 1,259 pts...............1. yz-Freakshow (11-2) 1,393 pts
2. yz-Panty Sniffers (9-4) 1,051 pts.............2. yz-Blood Drive (9-4) 1,171 pts
3. z-Ghost Riders (9-4) 1,260 pts................3. z-Fear This (7-6) 1,170 pts
4. z-Chuckers (8-5) 1,386 pts.....................4. z-Da Cocks (7-6) 1,152 pts
_______________________________________________________________
5. x-Tsunami (6-7) 1,081 pts.......................5. x-Wide Receders (6-7) 1,250 pts
6. x-Burns Inc. (5-8) 1,024 pts.....................6. x-Scoregasm (6-7) 1,187 pts
7. x-Aeriel Assault (4-9) 1,232 pts................7. x-Bust U Up (6-7) 971 pts
8. x-Stogies (4-9) 983 pts............................8. x-Prancing Petunias (3-10) 1,056 pts
9. x-Rams (3-10) 944 pts.............................9. x-Team Draft Pick (3-10) 862 pts
y=clinch division, z=clinch playoff spot, x=eliminated from playoffs
The playoffs are seeded as follows: Each Divisional Champ is seeded #1 or #2 based on record; Wild Card teams are the next two best records in the Conference seeded at #3 and #4 based on record. The first tie breaker for standings is total points scored.
The playoffs begin in week 14 with #1 vs #4 and #2 vs #3....second round in week 15 for Conference Championship....Fantasy Bowl VIII in week 16.
TOILET BOWL IV: For those teams that do not make the playoffs, don't forget to keep your team running through week 16....all teams that do not make the playoffs get to compete for the Toilet Bowl...highest cumulative point total over weeks 14, 15 and 16 wins $50 in fantasy money (over and above the cap of $250 if you max out) and a trophy that is a great conversation starter. Past Toilet Bowl champs include: 2000--Burns, Inc. (who won the Fantasy Bowl the next year), 2001--Chuckers and 2002--Scoregasm/Stogies (tie).
TEAM...................................Week 14..............Week 15.............Week 16..........Total
1. Wide Receders.......................82........................143...................107................332
2. Prancing Petunias.................121.........................94......................96................311
3. Aeriel Assault.........................90........................158.....................62................310
4. Tsunami................................119.......................119.....................65................303
5. Burns Inc...............................69.........................108...................112...............289
6. Scoregasm............................62..........................88.....................117...............267
7. Rams.....................................87.........................79......................65................231
8. Stogies..................................95.........................55.......................70................220
9. Team Draft Pick......................62.........................46......................90.................198
10. Bust U Up............................38..........................62.....................53..................153
WEEK........................ELIMINATED.....................................IMMUNITY ($5/WEEK)
1..............Rams (50 pts), Team Draft Pick (53 pts)................Freakshow (135 pts)
2...............Burns, Inc. (59 pts), Bust U Up (71 pts)...............Chuckers (140 pts)
3.....Wide Receders (40 pts), Panty Sniffers (55 pts)..............Blood Drive (107 pts)
4...........................Tsunami (58 pts)....................................Ghost Riders (124 pts)
5.........................Freakshow (60 pts)...................................Da Cocks (105 pts)
6.............................Stogies (63 pts)....................................Chuckers (125 pts)
7....................Prancing Petunias (54 pts).............................Blood Drive (110 pts)
8.............................Da Cocks (59 pts)................................Ghost Riders (131 pts)
9............................Aeriel Assault (77 pts)...........................Chuckers (115 pts)
10...........................Blood Drive (53 pts)...............................Chuckers (126 pts)
11.........................Ghost Riders (75 pts)..............................Dislocators (128 pts)
12...........................Scoregasm (70 pts)...............................Fear This (124 pts)
13..........................Dislocators (107 pts)...............................NO IMMUNITY
14........SURVIVOR FINALS: Fear This 148....Chuckers 86
WEEK..............AMOUNT............TEAM......SCORE TO BEAT/TIE
FREE AGENT BIDDING IS NOW CLOSED
FONTES
ROSS
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The Week 13 and Season Final National Rankings are out at fflrankings.com . Here is where we stand out of 2,280 teams across the country: Check out this bonus material provided by fflrankings.com Fantasy Ratings by Week--Chart Fantasy Rankings by Week--Chart Freakshow is one of 60 teams in the country to receive an invitation to the International Playoffs. Unfortunately, Dislocators did not receive an invitation. The cut off was a rating of 146.000 and Dislocators came up just short at 144.969. Good Luck to Freakshow! I think this may be the first time we have had a team represent the OFFL in this competition. RANK...TEAM....................REC....RATING....PREV RANK #38.......Freakshow .......... ..(11-2)....148.863...............55 (+17) #67.......Dislocators.............(11-2).....144.969...............77 (+10) #363.....Chuckers.................(8-5).....124.812..............368 (+116) #388.....Ghost Riders............(9-4).....124.001..............479 (+115) #435.....Blood Drive...............(9-4).....121.810..............503 (+121) #563.....Panty Sniffers...........(9-4).....117.171..............556 (-195) #830.....Fear This .................(7-6).....108.775..............732 (+159) #1015...Da Cocks..................(7-6).....103.966..............989 (-283) #1215...Wide Receders..........(6-7).......98.051.............1020 (-195) #1259...Scoregasm................(6-7).......96.875.............1148 (+114) #1343...Tsunami ...................(6-7).......95.022.............1270 (-195) #1519...Bust U Up.................(6-7).......89.629.............1373 (-249) #1729...Burns, Inc.................(5-8)........82.889.............1614 (+51) #1742...Aeriel Assault............(4-9).......82.405..............1780 (-128) #2006...Stogies ....................(4-9).......70.975..............1823 (-183) #2065...Prancing Petunias.....(3-10)......67.086..............1927 (-138) #2108...Rams.......................(3-10)......63.229..............2037 (-24) #2162...Team Draft Pick........(3-10)......59.473..............2084 (-125) |
PAST CHAMPIONS 1996 I Mike Fera "Blood Drive" (11-6) 34 Mike George "The Dominators" (9-8) 31 (different scoring rules) 1997 II Tim Padgett "Rookies R Us" (14-2) 89 Matt Fera "Wide Receders" (12-5) 71 1998 III Brian Sanders "Buddah's Raiders" (12-5) 65 Kurt Cleveland "Churt" (11-5-1) 62 1999 IV Matt Fera "Wide Receders" (9-7) 85 Tim Cremen "Tsunami" (11-5) 79 2000 V Scott Kenney "Fear This" (11-5) 82 Mike Mruzik "Stogies" (10-6) 76 2001 VI Terry Corby "Burns, Inc." (13-3) 104 Matt Fera "Wide Receders" (8-8) 64 2002 VII Dan Van Hollebeke "Rams" (11-5) 85 Mike Fera "Blood Drive" (10-6) 61 2003 VIII Jeff Wesley "Chuckers" (11-5) 84 Mike Fera "Blood Drive" (11-5) 67 |
Fontes Conference - Mitchell Division | |||||||||||||||
| Franchise | W | L | T | Pct | GB | Strk | PF | Avg PF | PA | Avg PA | Div W | Div L | Conf W | Conf L | Eff |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Dislocators |
11 | 2 | 0 | .846 | 0.0 | W10 | 1259 | 74.1 | 987 | 75.9 | 4 | 2 | 9 | 2 | 67.3% |
Ghost Riders |
9 | 4 | 0 | .692 | 2.0 | W1 | 1260 | 74.1 | 1090 | 83.8 | 5 | 1 | 8 | 3 | 63.3% |
Chuckers |
8 | 5 | 0 | .615 | 3.0 | W3 | 1386 | 81.5 | 1165 | 89.6 | 6 | 1 | 7 | 4 | 68.5% |
Aeriel Assault |
4 | 9 | 0 | .308 | 7.0 | L5 | 1232 | 72.5 | 1315 | 101.2 | 1 | 5 | 4 | 7 | 72.6% |
| Rams | 3 | 10 | 0 | .231 | 8.0 | W1 | 944 | 55.5 | 1155 | 88.8 | 1 | 5 | 1 | 9 | 61.6% |
Fontes Conference - Sanders Division | |||||||||||||||
| Franchise | W | L | T | Pct | GB | Strk | PF | Avg PF | PA | Avg PA | Div W | Div L | Conf W | Conf L | Eff |
Panty Sniffers |
9 | 4 | 0 | .692 | 0.0 | L1 | 1051 | 61.8 | 1104 | 84.9 | 5 | 2 | 8 | 3 | 66.5% |
Tsunami |
6 | 7 | 0 | .462 | 3.0 | L1 | 1081 | 63.6 | 1177 | 90.5 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 65.0% |
Burns Inc. |
5 | 8 | 0 | .385 | 4.0 | W1 | 1024 | 60.2 | 1130 | 86.9 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 7 | 60.4% |
Stogies |
4 | 9 | 0 | .308 | 5.0 | L4 | 983 | 57.8 | 1141 | 87.8 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 8 | 65.1% |
Ross Conference - Sims Division | |||||||||||||||
| Franchise | W | L | T | Pct | GB | Strk | PF | Avg PF | PA | Avg PA | Div W | Div L | Conf W | Conf L | Eff |
Freakshow |
11 | 2 | 0 | .846 | 0.0 | W8 | 1393 | 81.9 | 1004 | 77.2 | 5 | 1 | 8 | 2 | 68.4% |
Blood Drive |
9 | 4 | 0 | .692 | 2.0 | W2 | 1170 | 68.8 | 1051 | 80.8 | 5 | 1 | 8 | 3 | 65.9% |
Fear This |
7 | 6 | 0 | .538 | 4.0 | W1 | 1170 | 68.8 | 1133 | 87.2 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 62.0% |
Da Cocks |
7 | 6 | 0 | .538 | 4.0 | L1 | 1152 | 67.8 | 1105 | 85.0 | 4 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 65.9% |
Wide Receders |
6 | 7 | 0 | .462 | 5.0 | L5 | 1250 | 73.5 | 1199 | 92.2 | 3 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 65.9% |
Ross Conference - Danielson Division | |||||||||||||||
| Franchise | W | L | T | Pct | GB | Strk | PF | Avg PF | PA | Avg PA | Div W | Div L | Conf W | Conf L | Eff |
Scoregasm |
6 | 7 | 0 | .462 | 0.0 | W1 | 1187 | 69.8 | 1152 | 88.6 | 4 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 70.0% |
Bust U Up |
6 | 7 | 0 | .462 | 0.0 | L1 | 971 | 57.1 | 1154 | 88.8 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 7 | 62.4% |
Prancing Petunias |
3 | 10 | 0 | .231 | 3.0 | L3 | 1056 | 62.1 | 1159 | 89.2 | 1 | 6 | 2 | 9 | 60.8% |
Down Low Dawgs |
3 | 10 | 0 | .231 | 3.0 | L1 | 862 | 50.7 | 1211 | 93.2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 8 | 61.5% |
| 2003 OFFL PLAYOFFS | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Week 14 | Week 15 | Week 16 | Fantasy Bowl VIII Champion |
| #4: Chuckers (86) | |||
| Chuckers (143) | |||
| #1: Dislocators (79) | |||
| Chuckers (84) | |||
| #3: Ghost Riders (114) | |||
| Ghost Riders (98) | |||
| #2: Panty Sniffers (67) | |||
| Chuckers | |||
| #8: Da Cocks (113) | Fantasy Bowl VIII Champion | ||
| Da Cocks (88) | |||
| #5: Freakshow (99) | |||
| Blood Drive (66) | |||
| #7: Fear This (149) | |||
| Blood Drive (122) | |||
| #6: Blood Drive (170) | |||
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| Franchise/Week | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | PF |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Freakshow | 135 | 107 | 94 | 85 | 60 | 100 | 105 | 155 | 99 | 133 | 95 | 104 | 121 | 99 | 0 | 0 | -99 | 1393 |
| Chuckers | 97 | 140 | 101 | 59 | 68 | 125 | 68 | 120 | 115 | 126 | 116 | 105 | 146 | 86 | 143 | 84 | -313 | 1386 |
| Ghost Riders | 118 | 115 | 74 | 124 | 91 | 77 | 104 | 131 | 76 | 91 | 75 | 60 | 124 | 114 | 98 | 0 | -212 | 1260 |
| Dislocators | 100 | 82 | 58 | 90 | 91 | 71 | 99 | 112 | 111 | 113 | 128 | 96 | 108 | 79 | 0 | 0 | -79 | 1259 |
| Wide Receders | 96 | 118 | 40 | 111 | 117 | 88 | 122 | 122 | 92 | 78 | 76 | 87 | 103 | 82 | 143 | 107 | -332 | 1250 |
| Aeriel Assault | 94 | 89 | 66 | 113 | 93 | 94 | 98 | 120 | 77 | 94 | 83 | 102 | 109 | 90 | 158 | 62 | -310 | 1232 |
| Scoregasm | 77 | 118 | 91 | 116 | 72 | 74 | 80 | 121 | 80 | 103 | 84 | 70 | 101 | 62 | 88 | 117 | -267 | 1187 |
| Blood Drive | 130 | 87 | 107 | 67 | 99 | 68 | 110 | 73 | 81 | 53 | 54 | 125 | 117 | 170 | 122 | 66 | -359 | 1170 |
| Fear This | 64 | 74 | 66 | 98 | 77 | 82 | 70 | 98 | 92 | 119 | 86 | 124 | 120 | 149 | 0 | 0 | -149 | 1170 |
| Da Cocks | 78 | 94 | 79 | 79 | 104 | 112 | 92 | 59 | 113 | 97 | 82 | 80 | 83 | 113 | 88 | 0 | -201 | 1152 |
| Tsunami | 68 | 74 | 74 | 58 | 131 | 53 | 101 | 67 | 77 | 72 | 101 | 112 | 93 | 119 | 119 | 65 | -303 | 1081 |
| Prancing Petunias | 87 | 96 | 74 | 87 | 94 | 88 | 54 | 66 | 75 | 130 | 46 | 78 | 81 | 121 | 94 | 96 | -311 | 1056 |
| Panty Sniffers | 108 | 75 | 55 | 89 | 97 | 97 | 69 | 69 | 78 | 109 | 42 | 83 | 80 | 67 | 0 | 0 | -67 | 1051 |
| Burns Inc. | 60 | 59 | 68 | 94 | 80 | 90 | 105 | 86 | 56 | 103 | 78 | 67 | 78 | 69 | 108 | 112 | -289 | 1024 |
| Stogies | 66 | 93 | 90 | 97 | 87 | 63 | 62 | 82 | 74 | 60 | 97 | 56 | 56 | 95 | 55 | 70 | -220 | 983 |
| Bust U Up | 54 | 71 | 61 | 100 | 61 | 91 | 64 | 59 | 93 | 62 | 98 | 83 | 74 | 38 | 62 | 53 | -153 | 971 |
| Rams | 50 | 73 | 73 | 100 | 44 | 51 | 86 | 79 | 75 | 66 | 79 | 83 | 85 | 87 | 79 | 65 | -231 | 944 |
| Down Low Dawgs | 53 | 62 | 61 | 82 | 69 | 58 | 58 | 77 | 68 | 55 | 59 | 90 | 70 | 62 | 46 | 90 | -198 | 862 |
| Average | 85 | 90 | 74 | 92 | 85 | 82 | 86 | 94 | 85 | 92 | 82 | 89 | 97 | 95 | 78 | 55 | -227 | 1134 |
| Simple question---who will win FB VIII? | |
|---|---|
| Chuckers: | 3 |
| Blood Drive: | 0 |
| Total Votes: | 3 |
| By Commissioner - Closed Wed Dec 31 7:00:00 p.m. ET 2003 (More Polls) | |
| Topic | Posted |
|---|---|
| Fantasy Bowl Predictions | Wed Dec 17 1:12:08 p.m. ET 2003 |
| Biggest Blowout In Playoff History... | Tue Dec 16 2:18:46 p.m. ET 2003 |
| Do I even need to make a post? | Fri Dec 12 11:20:27 a.m. ET 2003 |
| Wide Receder Vote | Tue Dec 2 9:22:22 a.m. ET 2003 |
| Ode to Wide Receders | Wed Nov 26 9:57:05 a.m. ET 2003 |
| I am the Exorcist. | Sat Nov 22 5:09:31 p.m. ET 2003 |
| COMMISH JEALOUS??? | Thu Nov 20 10:36:59 p.m. ET 2003 |
| Spoooky? Spoooky? | Tue Nov 18 6:40:51 p.m. ET 2003 |
| Intimidation? | Sun Nov 16 9:34:44 a.m. ET 2003 |
| Get Ready To Sniff My ASS.. | Mon Nov 3 8:43:51 p.m. ET 2003 |
| View Message Board | |
| Franchise | Last Visited This Page |
|---|---|
| Ghost Riders | 1444 days, 2 hours, 4 minutes ago |
| Commissioner | 1449 days, 10 hours, 11 minutes ago |
| Dislocators | 1810 days, 4 hours, 29 minutes ago |
| Blood Drive | 1882 days, 8 hours, 54 minutes ago |
| Burns Inc. | 1943 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes ago |
| Down Low Dawgs | 2138 days, 7 hours, 4 minutes ago |
| Tsunami | 2156 days, 10 hours, 28 minutes ago |
| Chuckers | 2159 days, 9 hours, 39 minutes ago |
| Aeriel Assault | 2159 days, 21 hours, 55 minutes ago |
| Scoregasm | 2161 days, 13 hours, 35 minutes ago |
| Stogies | 2162 days, 2 hours, 51 minutes ago |
| Freakshow | 2162 days, 10 hours, 8 minutes ago |
| Fear This | 2167 days, 6 hours, 47 minutes ago |
| Da Cocks | 2168 days, 10 hours, 3 minutes ago |
| Wide Receders | 2169 days, 6 hours, 49 minutes ago |
| Panty Sniffers | 2173 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes ago |
| Rams | 2197 days, 8 hours, 23 minutes ago |
| All in the Translation by David Dodds |
|---|
| By Offsides Fantasy Football League Commissioner on Fri Dec 19 3:17:10 p.m. ET 2003 |
| We have all done it. Sometimes because we can. Sometimes because we are dying to see the last few minutes of the game. And most of the time we do it just because we are men. Presented below are some favorite male catch phrases and their likely translation: "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to hang out with other obnoxious men, drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "JUST GOING TO HANGOUT WITH THE GUYS" Means: "Direct TV, Strippers, Nachos and Beer and you are not invited." IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and if I gave a damn I would agree it was stupid too." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND" Means: "How can I possibly listen to you and juggle my ten fantasy rosters at the same time." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD" Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR" Means: "She needs a hobby...She talks more than Madden" "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING" Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon." "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I CAN'T FIND IT" Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands and I am not going to miss the game searching for it." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "How come in real life I can't call a timeout trying to ice the wife?" "I HEARD YOU" Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that I can keep watching this game" "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means: "Please don't block the TV showing me another outfit." "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" Means: "I remember every third down back in the NFL, every team that runs a 4-3 defense, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "YOU SHOULD GET A SWEATER LIKE THAT" Means: "I can't get enough of Melissa Stark in those sweaters." |